Running on Empty..

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Running on Empty..... My last blog was very depressing and I need to get things moving again in a more positive direction. Lets see...where to begin. I will start with the fact that Im back to work again. Yay!! Its been forever. Ive been out of work since June. It was a crazy summer wondering what and where I would be placed in September. I was told that my position was eliminated because they moved the special ed program to another school. One that I wasnt about to go back to. I got a letter stating that I would return to the school I was working at and I was thrilled. Then I got a phone call informing me that I was bumped out by seniority. This happened five times until August. One of the other magnet schools in the district did a massive layoff and it was those people that were doing the bumping out. Well along comes the weekend before school is about to start and I get a phone call informing me that there is a mandatory meeting at the highschool for all staff. I was also informed that I was scheduled to appear at one of the middle schools for duty after. Ummmm I cant work at the middle schools because of the hours. I would have no way to get my daughter to school in the morning. So I let them know this and after the meeting I went straight to the human resources office. I was informed that to deny this position would mean to resign on my position. I was furious. This also meant that if I wanted to apply again and get placed for another school, I would have to fill out all the paperwork again. I got several calls for other schools that I did eventually apply for but the bumping out continued. What the hell? Then to make matters worse, the magnet school whose former employees are doing the bumping wants to hire me. Well if that aint a kick to the ass. I canceled the interview and just never called to reschedule. Eventually my old position at the school I want opened up. I waited for all the board meetings for the approvals by the parents and staff. Then it was signed by the district. I was all set to go in and about 4 days before that was to happen, someone else applied for the job. But there is a catch. Remember that I resigned. Technically Im no longer a district employee. Yes I did lose all my seniority in the process. Of course Im pissed about it. Well anyways, the person that applied is a district employee and gets first grabs at the position. Wouldnt ya know it, she wants it. That just about blows monkey chunks. My principal wants me in there and shes not too happy to have this other chick doing the job. The chick is a lunch aide. Not that being a lunch aide is a bad thing. I was one for 2 years. But this particular position requires alot of training and experience. And anyone that knows me well enough, knows that this job also requires an extreme amount of patience. When I say extreme, I mean seriously extreme. The job requires you to be a teacher, a mentor and a tempory mom to these kids. But here is the catch. These kids are borderline containment special ed kindergarteners. They have some learning disabilities and they do tend to have their moments of violence. They cant control this. At any given moment, one of these kids will temporarily snap. It may come as a focusing issue and you need to bring them back to reality or it could be a violent issue where they will lash out and kick, bite and throw things. But its only a short time that this happens. Most of these kids are not officially diagnosed for ADD or BiPolar yet. This is part of my job to evaluate them and also put them on the right track of learning and also helping them to use self control in how they process their day. It is a very stressful but also a very rewarding job. I love doing it. Yeah I guess Im a sucker for punishment. But in all truth, someone has to help these kids get a fighting chance to learn to help themselves. This is a school district that is classified as inner-city and most of the families here are within the poverty guidelines. A balanced home life is something most of these kids know nothing about. To come to school means that they will receive positive attention. I know its sad but thats how life here works. Its people like me and the staff at these schools that make a huge difference in the little minds that we are given each day. We help mold them into bright, happy and caring children. We give them a shot at a positive future. So now I bring you back to where I left off before. My principal had her hands tied at this decision. What could she do but offer this job to some chick that her whole experience is cleaning up after the kids and spending their recess time with them. Yes its a difficult job as well but you dont work directly with special ed kids. The special ed paras work with them. So she decided to go to the board and put her ass on the line for me to have this job because I have the experience, the training and I have also worked with the teacher and classroom involved. Even the teacher put her ass on the line because she prefered me. I got the notice one morning while out on the playground putting my daughter in line to start her day. My principal approached me with the news that I would be starting soon and to contact the human resources office for my paperwork. I nearly peed my pants. I was due to start on th 16th but they changed it to the 27th of Nov. So here I am at the end of my first week back. I have 3 children to work with this year and there is a para in the room for the rest of the kids. But the catch is that I also work with a few of the other kids to help them focus when their moments get off the tracks. One has shyness issues and has already attached himself to me. The other is a little girl that really should be in containment but they want me to work with her to help her control her violent issues. Today I really got a good dose of her. My teacher tried to control her and couldnt do it because she needed to do her job with the rest of the class. I took over and took a few hits in the process til her mother came in. Tomorrow is another day so we shall see just how well this little girl can handle it. She got a good taste of how I do things. Im sure the taste was bitter too. I dont put up with the things she as trying to pull. I know when these kids are having an uncontrolable problem and this was not one of them. This was an attention issue and I will not baby her. But you know what? Tomorrow is Friday and I get to chill out for the weekend. And I also get paid to do this kind of a job. Im glad that I have a strong mind and a strong body. But Im also extrememly patient. Ive been told that Im too patient for my own good. Who else would be crazy enough to love doing this kind of job?

Life is too short....

I really hadnt planned on writing this. Its not something that I ever wished to see, hear or feel in my lifetime again. I am exhausted, drain and stressed mentally, physically and emotionally. I know everyone is used to me writing about the good stuff and putting humor into you reading. Today is not going to be such a day.

Let me start from the beginning. Yeah this will be long. When I was 17, I worked for a local retail giant. I worked in the catalog department. Yeah it was always fun there during the holiday season. Anyways, a new girl was hired to work the back desk with me. Her name was Karen. We became great friends right away.

Over the years Karen and I pretty much did everything together. She was pretty, had nice clothes, drove a nice car and ad a great family. For many years, I didnt even know her parents first names because they were mom and dad to me. Same with my parents to her.

She was dating a guy named Scott and we always went out together. We got in trouble together and over all we had a great time. Somewhere along the line they broke up but remained friends.

She then later on met Bob, got married and had a beautiful baby girl. Shortly after that, they moved to Florida. Her and Bob had a house and mom and dad had a house. Things were going ok for a while but then they split up. Im not going into detail because that part is not part of this post. Bob moved back to NY and her parents sold their place and moved in with her and her daughter.

A divorce was started and also something changed in Karen. She started to alter her image. Stayed home. She just wasnt the same person. But it was about to get worse. About this same time, her brother split from his wife and moved into the house in NY. Everyone would come up from Florida to spend the summer there. This was the only time I would get to see her.

We managed to stay very close friends through everything that was going on around us in our lives. I soon realized that I was really the only friend she had. She was giving up on everything because low self esteme was settling in. When she was here, I would make sure to see her and take her out. Or have her come to my house. Just to get her out and pumping again. I missed her when she was smiling. But we still had a great time together. That never changed.

About two years ago it changed. Completely. Her brother did something that would change alot of lives overnight. He committed suicide. No one was there to save him. But somehow the blame was put on Karen. I know the truth to what happened and believe me, she wasnt the blame. Not even close.

But life as we knew it was gone. She stopped taking care of herself and her daughter. Mom also went off the deep end. Between pain killers and lack of wanting to live for themselves, they fought all the time and locked themselves up in their rooms and cried and slept their drug induced lives out the window. I can understand that losing a family member is devastating. I myself lost big time shortly after Karen did. I lost my stepdad a month after we lost Bobby.

When Karen showed up to the hospital to see mom and dad, we didnt recognize her. Gone was the nice hair, the makeup, the nice clothes. It broke my heart. Shortly after, they sold the house up here and settled in to live in Florida. Karens dad is also suffering from cancer. This has taken a huge toll on me over the past couple of years.

When Bobby died, it was me that went through his things to sort and clean out his room. I didnt want mom to have to do this task. I took care of the house and them the best I could. I became their shoulder to cry on. I became their solid rock to lean on. I was the one they called when they needed someone to handle life in general.

Karen would contact me on line or call me alot. Most of the time I couldnt understand her. Whether speaking or typing. She was an emotional mess. But I was her friend and her anchor. I listened to her and I cheered her up. Being 1300 miles away was very difficult on me. Not much I could do. I would have given anything to go to her house, get her out of bed and dress her. Put makeup on her and do her hair was something I would have cherished. I wanted to take her out and show her that there were living people on the outside of her door.

Her daughter took the brunt of this. Its very hard for a little girl to have to live with so much tramua and grief. But when I got a chance, or she did, we would sit and talk on line. She would tell me her feelings and I would help her with her homework. What else did she have with her mom and grandma fighting and locking themselves away from the world.

On Nov 9th, Karen and I chatted on line til the wee hours. She was tellign me the same thing about how her daughter would be better off without her and all the trauma going on in the house. It was a conversation that we had alot over the past couple of years. But every time, it would end on a happy note with me cheering her up and making life a little better for her.

That night she went to bed with some happy thoughts. We had been talking about an actor that she liked and that I would make something for her and send it down. The next morning, she called me early to talk to me. She knew it was the anniversary of dad passing and she knew I would need a friend to talk to. This time she cheered me up. hen she said she was going to go and get a bite to eat and would call me later. I didnt hear from her. I figured she went back to bed.

Friday night, her daughter contacted me and asked if I read her email. I hadnt because she sent it to an addy that I no longer used or had access to. She then relayed the message to me that she originally sent. It was sent a week ago and I didnt get it.

On the morning of the tenth, her daughter went into her room to see if she needed anything and found her not breathing. KC and her grandparents are on their way here to NY as I type this. I will see them tomorrow when they arrive. My sole purpose now is to once again be that solid rock. Once again I will take care of them.

I contacted Scott and let him know. He will be my solid rock. He will help me take care of them. I thank him for this. I wouldnt be able to do this without him. Of course I will take care of him too.

On November 10, 2006, I not only lost my friend, but someone that was also my sister. Someone who really truely knew me. Someone who shared my heart. Someone who knew my soul.

I promised that I would care for her daughter in her absence. And that is what I will do. Life as we knew is now, once again, changed forever. A part of me went with her. I knew she was gone a long time ago. There wasnt much I could do to stop her. She made up her mind back then. I held on to her tight. I tried. I really tried. But somehow in the back of my mind, I didnt try hard enough. I know I did all I could have done. Somehow I feel I could have done something more. I dont know what it was but there just had to be something.

I will get through this. I have to. I have my own little girl to take care of. No matter what happens in life, my little girl will always come first. I cant leave her behind. I will hide all my fears just so she wont have to go through this. I will always remain strong for her so that the sun will always shine on her beautiful face.

I will never let her cry and will always encourage her to smile. Now that time has come where I will help KC do the same. I love her as if she were my own. In a way she is and always has been. This will be a huge step for me to take, but I will take it. They will arrive tomorrow and I will face them with my shoulders solid.

Good bye, my friend. I wish for you a safe journey. You will now be at peace with no sorrow and no pain. Dont look back. Everything will be ok here. I will make sure of it. But promise me one thing. Remember the good times and keep the sun shining. You can once again smile.

I will always love you.

What the heck did you do?

Thursday, November 16, 2006

What the heck did you do? This one will be a little confusing. Even for me to write. I picked up my daughter at school today and it was actually warm outside. Yeah can you believe it? But I thought there was a tornado because the wind was whipping everything around. Yeah picture me standing outside with all my hair blowing around trying to light a smoke. Fun times there. So anyways. The bell rings and Im standing outside the doors waiting for them to open. One more week of that folks. Whoohoo. Then I will be on the inside for the rest of the year. So the doors open and a wave of about a hundred kids come pouring out. Trust me, its best to stand on the sidelines. She comes out with two lollipops in her hand. One for good behavior and the other for her 5th star piece for good behavior all week. But here is the catch. She also tells me that for recess tomorrow she has to sit in the Time Out Room. Hmmmm.... I knew something was about to happen because shes been so good all year so far. The shoe dropped. So I asked her why she has to do that. Whoops. That was a huge mistake. I should just translate the conversation. Me: So what happened? Her: I dont know. Me: You get in trouble and you dont know what you did? Her: I guess. Me: You guess? Her: I didnt do anything. Me: Thats not what I heard. Her: What did you hear? Me: That you had to go to the principals office. Her: Yeah. Me: What for? Her: Because I followed someone. Me: Huh? Her: I was called a follower. Me: But what did you do? Her: I didnt do anything. Me: You had to have done something to go to the office. Her: I followed. Me: You just simply followed someone to the office and got in trouble for that? Her: No. Me: Then tellme what you did. Her: I followed ~~~~~ and ~~~~~. Me: So you got in trouble for that? Her: Yeah. Me: What did you do to them? Her: Nothing. Me: Did they do something to you? Her: Yeah they hit me and pushed me. Me: Did you hit or push back? Her: I didnt hit or push. Me: Then what did you do? Her: I followed them. Me: And that got you in trouble? Her: Yeah. Me: Is there a referal written up? Her: Yeah. Me: Do you have a copy of it? Her: A copy of what? Me: The referal. Her: What referal? Me: The one you just told me was written up on you. Her: Oh that. Me: Yeah. Her: No. Me: I want to know exactly what you did to get a write up. Her: I didnt do anything. Me: We just went through this. Her: I dont know. Me: How about we start at the beginning. Her: I dont want to do this again. Me: Not this. What you did. Her: Oh. Me: So what happened? Her: I followed someone. Me: Why did you follow them? Her: Because they hit and pushed me. Me: Ok we established that already. Her: Yeah I know. Me: Ok.. Where did you follow them? Her: Down the hill. Me: Aha!! Her: What? Me: You know you arent supposed to go down the hill. Her: Yeah I know. Me: So thats what you got written up for. Her: Well yeah. I tried to tell you that. Do you have any idea how many times I beat my head on the steering wheel? Just to get that simple little answer took us the entire ride home. So I leave you with this little tidbit. She already has her future planned out. Shes going to be an actress because shes a drama queen. Shes going to be a public speaker because she constantly talks. Shes going to be a politician because shes an escape artist. Shes going to be a lawyer because she can talk her away around topics and confuse the hell out of you. OMG, Shes going to be president!! *faint* Gawd help us all.

In a nutshell.....

Sunday, November 12, 2006

In a nutshell.... The past few weeks went by in a blur. I have so much all jumbled up in my brain that I have this need to push it all out. I will fill you all in on everything but in no certain order. Its sad to say that this morning Godzilla went to that great steamed up bathroom in the sky, or where ever spiders go when they get smooshed. I had stepped out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror. He in turn decided he needed to join me there. Ummm Nope. Sorry buddy, only room for one in this room and you have to go. I went in search of something to swat him with but I didnt want to leave a mess. Ok scratch that. No matter what I use, it will leave a mess. Well the first thing I happened to grab was an empty ziplock bag box. I tiptoed back into the bathroom and hes literally running across the walls. Not like he can easily hide. Whack!!! See ya!! Im awake now. Friday my daughter was sick. Thankfully we didnt have school. If we did, she would have had to miss a day. She had crawled into bed with me at about 4am and she felt a little warm. At about 530, the cat started to make her coughing noises. Always a good thing to wake up to. Nothing like cleaning up a "tube" first thing in the morning. So Im now up. Cami is sleeping so I let her hog the whole bed. I pushed the cat out on to the kitchen floor and wouldnt you know it, she stopped making the noise. Oh well. Saved me some paper towels. About 11, Cami was sitting in my room watching tv when she said her stomach didnt feel good. She went into the bathroom and coughed a few times. She then spit a few times. Nothing much of anything coming out. I gave her some juice and let her lay on my bed to rest. About 1pm I grabbed something to eat and she said she was finally hungry and wanted a hot dog. Ok, let me rephrase that. Demanded a hot dog is more like it. I figured that nothing happened with her stomach earlier, why not let her have a hot dog. I made it for her and she sat down and started eating. If you dont have a strong stomach, stop here and continue reading further down. Well, she took about 5 bites and then ran to the bathroom. I heard the heave and rolled my eyes. I knew what was about to come next. I heard the sound of it before I heard the cry for mommy. I got up and gathered the necessary tools of the trade. Paper towels, trash bag, carpet foam. Yes carpet foam. This is something that happens enough that you know the sound. What happened was when she ran into the bathroom, she didnt have enough time to flip up the lid on the toilet. So yeah, it went all over the lid. What do you think she did next? Yep, you guessed it. She flipped up the lid and proceeded to finish into the bowl. Now all that stuff that was on the lid, where do you think that all went? Yes, carpet foam. A must needed cleaning tool. Lets see. What else has happened? Oh yeah. On Thursday, the kids had a big surprise day. They got to do something that very rarely happens in their little lives. About a month or so ago, the kids all raised a caterpillar. They had them in little tiny cups and fed them every day. Then when it was time for them to change, the kids put them all in a box with viewable sides and top. All the caterpillars made their cocoons all around the top of the box. Soon they all emerged into beautiful Painted Lady butterflies. They fed them like that for a few days. On Thursday, we had such a beautiful warm sunny day. We gathered the kids outside and opened the boxes. The kids were so excited. I love butterflies and this was an experience even for me. I had never held a butterfly before. I had at least four of them on my hand at one point of another. The kids were holding them and watching them fly away. Cami wouldnt touch one though. She held one on a stick. But she got to see it up close. Im trying to think of what else has happened that was note worthy. I will have to come back with a part two for it. I just remembered that I need to send some pictures out to her teacher. Oops.

Dream a little dream...

For some reason, this dream that I had this afternoon has been bothering me a little. I have been plagued with some pretty wild dreams over the years. Most are repeats that really freak me out. Almost nightmareish. Is that spelled right? Oh well if it aint.

But let me start with one that does hit me alot. For some damn reason, I am usually topless in my dreams. I have no idea why. I am wearing a bra in most of them. Hey, thats a little bit of comfort for me. At least I wont get busted for public nudity.

One of the dreams that happens is where Im in highschool. Thing is, Im the age I am now. But the problem is that I have a binder in my hand that I clutch to my chest, for obvious reasons. But Im walking down the halls and I see alot of people that I know and recognize. Some from back then and most from now. Weird huh? We are all in highschool again watching the half nekked chick walking the halls. Thing is, no one sees this as odd. They say Hi to me and just carry on in their lives like its nothing new to see me topless.

Well the bell rings and I start walking down the halls again. Passing classes and looking in. Im in a sort of panic because I dont know what class Im in. I dont even have a schedule. Its locked in my locker. I go to the office and find out where my locker is and wouldnt you know it, I dont have the combination to open it. So once again, I go back to the office to get it and they said that they cant give it out to me here and to wait for it to come in the mail at home. What the hell is that supposed to mean? And what stupid class am I supposed to be in? They wont tell me that either. So I leave. Thats where my dream ends.

The other dream is very scary to me. Im in a house, that to me reminds me of a furniture store. A bunch of open rooms that lead from one to the other. You step up a couple of steps and walk through one and step down a couple of steps to walk through another. There are about 10 of these all on one floor. There is a kitchen in the back and a side door in one of the rooms. There is a front door and a set of stairs that lead up to a second level. I look up the stairs and I can see some people walking around. Looks like a bunch of living rooms. Kids playing and TVs on.

But the downstairs rooms are all bedrooms for real people. Each is different in furniture and bedding. In fact there are a couple that have people sleeping in them. Well this is where it gets weird. Im standing in this really nice room where the side door is. The walls are a light shade of blue and the bedding is of white and blue roses. Its my mom and stepdads room. Only thing is, its not because my mom likes rose and reds and burgundy colors. The doorbell to the side door rings and I go to answer it and its the UPS man and he wants me to sign a package. Im topless in this one too. But this time Im totally bare with no book to cover me. The UPS man doesnt see a problem with this and carries out his business. I take the package and set it on the floor and walk away.

The scary part is that I walk into the kitchen and I see my mom standing there at the sink and my stepdad reading the newspaper. He never read the newspaper. Just for the record, he passed on two years ago so this is why its scary that I see him. But my mom says to me that I need to put a shirt on. I tell her that I got sick on mine. Beats me. I dont remember that part either. But then out of the blue, someone walks up to me and takes his shirt off and puts it on me. I do not know who this person is but he does look like someone I should know. I distinctively remember that he wore glasses. Thats where I wake up from that one.

Now back to the original start of this post. The dream I had this afternoon. I was in a house that did not look familure to me. It also had hardwood floors. I was in an upstairs hallway and my mom told me to go into her room to get a makeup compact that was on the dresser. Mind you that I should have known better because my mom doesnt wear makeup. Anywho, I was told not to wake up Mousie, her boyfriend. Easy enough as I can be very quiet. Well not in real life because no matter where I go in my house now, my cat meows at me to pick her up.

Well looking into the room I see a bed with someone sleeping in to my left. There is a mirrored dresser to my right. One of those big ones with shelves on either side of the mirror. In front of the dresser is a round card table with a couple of metal folding chairs.

I take a step into the room and slide on the floor like Im at the World Series taking home plate. You know, like that chick on American Idol that went under the table at the auditions. Wham I went down and right under the table with both those chairs wrapping up around me. I know I made alot of noise so I just laid there hoping that I didnt look like the total ass that I felt like. Yeah I was pretty red and not just from the bruises that I know I will have.

Well I slowly start to untangle myself from the chairs. Yeah Im trying to be as quiet as I can without waking Mousie. I could hear him still snoring when I first crashed so all was good. Or so I thought. I stood up and dusted myself off. You know, Mom, you really should take a Swifter to the floor in here. But anywho, I grabbed for the compact that was on the dresser and looked in the mirror. Im surprised to be wearing a shirt but thats besides the point.

Mousie was on the bed laughing so hard that I think he was about to wet his pants. And my mom was standing next to him with a can of Pledge behind her back.

Wait til I tell her this one. Innocent my ass she is.

The Catnip Baggie...

Monday, November 06, 2006

The Catnip Baggie... Current mood: amused If only life was so easy as a baggie of catnip. As many of you know, my cat is usually very mellow. This is her normal state of existance. However, for the past few days, shes either been very clingy or shes been hyper as hell. This morning has been very entertaining for me, and by the looks of it, her as well. She has this annoying habit of running her claws on the door jams of my room, the kitchen and the bathroom. The thing is, she does this from one to the next within mere seconds. Zoom and shes off. Shes been running through the house. If I had half of this kitty's energy, I would bottle it up and sell it on Ebay. So, now whats a concerned mom to do? I check to see that shes ok and didnt knock anything around. Oh and just so you know, shes a talker. Shes having a conversation with me. I know what she wants. All I have to do is reach my hand toward the freezer door handle and shes nearly climbing up my leg. I just happened to look down and she has her orange stuffed mouse. Smart kitty. She knows that I will take her mouse and put it in the baggie and shake it up. What a pleasure this is for her. Shes completely in freak out mode. Well I decide to give her an even more special treat. Yeah, Im that nice of a person. I got out into the dining room and gather up her toys and her scratching post. Mind you that this scratching post has been in this house for over a year now and hardly used. Buddy was the only one that used it. So, being the nice person that I am, I take some of the catnip and rub it on the post. I put her catnip covered mouse on the top and then I sat back to enjoy the fun. Well let me tell you, she was in pure heaven. I dont think sex could be better. But then again, what do I know. I dont normally have sex while rolling in catnip. I sat back and took some pictures of her antics and laughed at her too. She didnt like that part. Well, after a few minutes of this, she calms down and does her moaning routine. I really need to try some of this stuff. I started to write this post and I just so happened to look up from my keyboard and shes gone. The mouse is there right next to the scratching post though. But where is kitty? I hear a rustling noise and I decided to investigate. Wouldnt you know it, shes on top of the table rolling around on some catnip that spilled out of the bag. I had a smaller baggie inside a bigger baggie. The smaller baggie was on the table and she was having a grand ole time with it. I took the baggie and placed it on top of her scratching post and watched her get all googly eyed with it. Yes I took some more pictures. I swear that she will have a nice blackmail album that I will show to any of her potential dates. I glanced over and shes now laying on the floor getting all mellowed out and just chillin'. This is really good stuff. Ok, I take that back. Now shes drinking and drinking and drinking and drinking. Why does this stuff sound so familure. Its like there is something at the back of my mind and I just cant put my finger on it. Ok so I know what it is but Im still not going to admitt to anything. So now kitty is all relaxed and hope that she will now take a nap. Nope. Shes now sitting there licking herself with her leg straight up over her head. Why? Because she can.