Saturday, January 26, 2008

I need sleep

I havent done a cat blog in a long time.

For starters, I have just one cat. In this house, thats enough. My cat is permanently attached to my ass. I cant go anywhere or do anything without my cat. Its not by choice. The cat just has to be in the bathroom with me. Yeah, nothing like sitting on the toilet with a cat on your lap. So, of course, I refuse her plight of 'you left me', and I tell her that I dont bother her when shes using her litter box. Stay out of mine. Oh, and by the way, the dog is laying on the bathroom floor as well. Im sure they would get really pissed if I did my business where they do theirs. Not like the neighbors would appreciate my nekked butt in the back yard. Im sure I would get arrested for it too. But when she needs to go outside, I have to stand there and freeze to death while she does her pacing back and forth and rolls in the snow before she decides to circle in at least a dozen spots before she squats her rear end and does her thing. Then she has to run around some more and roll in some more snow before she decides when its time to come inside.

Id close the bathroom door but that would mark the end of all human life. I hear the dog whine and a cat paw come under the door and cries that are so pitiful it would break your heart. Come on guys, its not like Im flushing myself down the drain pipes and never will be seen again. Although the thought has crossed my mind a few times.

Yesterday, my cat decided to have an upset tummy. Why this happens, I will never know. If you have a cat, you know very well what a tube is. If you dont know what this is, get a cat, feed it, and sit back and watch the show. They do this sort of heeving motion. Like they are trying to push their ass out their armpits. Do cats have armpits? Anywho, then they make this coughing sound and out pops a tube-like thing. I really dont know what else to call it. But they do it in places that they know will piss you off. Like under my desk when I have bare feet and feel something wet. Or when you get up at 2am and its right where you have to stand to turn on the bathroom light. Not like its totally visable in the kitchen before you open the fridge door. Nope. It has to be in every spot that you cant see it but will sure as hell step in it. Oh look mom, I left you a new toy. The day she does it on my bed will be the last day she eats. Yeah, I know. I cant hurt her because she has some evil monster living in her intestinal chambers. Yes there is more than one in there because this stuff is dry when it comes out. Like shes some sort of chipmunk with pouches in her cheeks. Only these pouches are in her stomach.

So last night, after cleaning up yet another tube, I told her that I wasnt going to give her any more food til the morning. I wasnt about to have another mess between my toes. So what do you think she did to piss me off? She slept on me all night. There is nothing like having a cat sleeping on your chest, staring at you til you wake up. You cannot imagine the weird dreams you have about that. Its creepy as hell. And then she makes a move to lick your nose when you are sound asleep. Its like dreaming of a time bomb when your alarm clock goes off.

So I roll over thinking she is either going to jump off or get squished. Either would have been fine at this point. Nope. She does the log walk. So now Im on my side and shes on my hip. So I roll over some more. Im on my stomach and shes on my ass. Now, mind you, shes ballancing by using her nails. Nothing like waking up at 2am with cat claws stuck in your ass. So I roll over on my back and she does the log walk again. This time though, shes up in my face with that 'have I pissed you off yet' look. Feed me now or its my butt in your face. By the way, she means it. But instead, I just rolled back over on my stomach and went back to sleep. Seems to be her permanent place anyways.

But also you need to look at the wider picture. We are not alone in that bed. We have the ever popular gas wagon on board. Mindy. Never, ever, ever feed Mindy anything that involves gravy before bedtime. Usually she sleeps up on my pillows and licks my face when ever she gets a chance. But good thing that last night she chose to avoid the cat and slept at my feet. And when you least expect it, your foot slides out from the bottom of the blanket and gets nailed by a really cold wet nose. This of course, is followed by something that slobbers the bottom of your foot. You wouldnt believe how fast a foot can jerk back up under the covers, scare the hell out of a cat and get a few claws stuck in your ass.

By now, the sun has come up. The dog is snoring, among other things, and the cat is still on my body somewhere. I have just fallen into a deep sleep when I suddenly feel the whole bed bounce. The TV flashes on and the volumn is on loud. The dog goes nuts and nearly crushes my legs, the cat digs into my body and shreiks and jumps off the bed. The dog follows the cat and chases her into the kitchen and I hear the toaster slam on the floor.

I open my eyes and there is the third animal looking directly into my face asking if Im awake yet. "Mommy, I want my breakfast."

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Stupid people....

What possesses people to be so stupid? I really cant quite understand it. I know I dont have an IQ bigger than Texas but please, please use common sense at least.

Its been snowing for the past couple of days. Nothing really sticking to the roads though. Thats a good thing. See, I like snow. Alot. But I really hate to drive in it. Its not so bad when you live on a back country road and stuff. But when you live in a big city, its pure hell. Hell for smart people driving with stupid people. Not overly cautious people. Im one of those. I have a child in the car, so yes, I will be overly cautious. But I mean flat out stupid people. The ones with the big SUVs. You know, the type that suck the gas and the life right out of you. They go flying by at 60mph but wonder why they are rolling ass over end or why they are in a ditch. Not that there are any ditches in the city or anything. They must have slid right out of town for that to happen. But you get the meaning of this. Folks, bigger is not always better. Takes a hell of alot more to stop those suckers. The weight alone coming from the ass will cause you more problems than you started with.

And trust me, I will have more traction than they will when it comes down to it. In my little sports car? Why? I'll tell you why. Because Im not stupid. Yeah, thats right. I know how to drive in this shit. You dont. If you did, then you wouldnt need that big monstrosity that cost you $50,000 that you cant afford the damn gas for. I was at the gas station yesterday and this lady was bitching because it cost her $60 to fill her tank up. Hmmmmm. Maybe if you didnt have King King Monster Wheels you would have been able to only use $20 for a tank full that would last you more than a week. Once again, stupid people. Its not like she was going off roading with it. Thats the only good use for these things. I can see if you have a pickup truck for hauling something or if you have a smaller Blazer or something like that. But these damn things have 18inch tires that look like bicycle wheels. What the hell good is that in snow?

So here I am, coming home from work. I have a child in the car and the roads are wet and a little slushy. The snow was sticking a little. Im doing just under the speed limit because there was heavy traffic downtown. Its stop and go because it seems that everyone needs to go in the same direction that I need to go. Its a wonder they dont all pull on my street. Anywho, I stopped at the minimart on the way. I get back in the car and watch the morons for a couple of minutes. Actually I had to wait for them to fly past so I could get a break in traffic to squeeze my way out on the road. Morons that have no sense of curtesy. Dont worry, they will get theirs when they go off the road further down and I beep at them as I go past.

Yeah Im that cruel. I dont stop for stupid people. Unless they have kids because they are the innocent ones in all this. But when they blow past me and think that they will get away with it, good luck. Bad karma will follow them. Just like today. Really stupid people were out on the roads today.

I have to hit alot of stop lights and stop signs on the way home. Not so bad because this is usually the safer areas to drive on. People sitting at the lights and signs tend to melt the ice under the cars. Smart thinking right? Not always. This is also where the people forget to stay far enough back from the vehicle in front of them. So when they slide, they wonder why they hit someone. Or the usual line of "I didnt see your brake lights on". Keep your eyes on the road and not on your cell phone. Morons.

So also on the way home is the dreaded bridge near my house. This is a suicide trip even on dry pavement. People are really stupid here. There are alot of one way streets in this section too. Boy are they really stupid and confused on them too. Its not that hard to realize that people are only coming at you and not going in the same direction. Well anyways, on this bridge is some seriously heavy duty sides. They are high steel walls. You cant see over them unless you are in a very large vehicle. Like a dump truck maybe. But thats besides the point.

So here we are coming up over the streets at the top of this bridge. Traffic is flowing fairly well. But I know what lays ahead. I slow to a crawl at the top because this is not a hill you want to fly down. The bridge itself is a concrete one. The surface is also concrete. This makes for a slippery trip down hill even in the rain. There are about 5 vehicles in front of me. Near the bottom is an area long enough for about two cars to be on blacktop. There is a stop sign right at the bottom and you can only go right or left.

I saw the first car slide and then the second. When I mean slide, I mean that the ass end is out and spinning around. Now how stupid can this be that they would hit this thing at such a high speed. But here is the thing. They arent going fast at all. Its just that slippery. So I gave myself plenty of room between me and the truck in front of me. Just a small pickup. Nothing wild either. Some ordinary Joe. In fact, he had junk in the back so I know he wasnt out there with it for the flashy look.

Well the dumb asses in front of him were slamming on the brakes. How stupid is that? You dont do that on ice. You tap the brakes to slow down and correct the wheel to the opposite direction. Stupid people. So the first car goes through fine. Slows enough at the sign, but doesnt come to a full stop. That was smart. I will tell you why in a second. The second car comes to a full stop and sits there. There are now two vehicles that are trying to actually stop on the bridge itself. Those are the dumbasses. This causes the truck to slide out because he cant stop fast enough for these idiots. He then slides to the left and almost slams a car head on coming up the bridge. The second car finally moves off the stop and goes right. The third car also comes to a complete stop and sits there. This causes the cars behind him to lay on the horn for him to move because we are now all sliding down towards him. My car spins completely around and nearly hits the steel side walls of the bridge.

So I took the easy way out and went up on the broken up sidewalk where I know there is traction. So my right tires are able to grip something and I can ease down the rest of the bridge. The cars behind me are still up at the top at a stop. Those were smart people too. But that jackass is still at the stop sign. He hasnt moved. If hes lost then at least have the decency to move somewhere else to think this out. But oops, its too late. Car number three slams into his ass. Im stopped on the sidewalk now and that truck is as well. He figured it out that it was the safest place to be as well. My kid is in the back seat in a panic but she knows enough not to make a sound. And the others are still stopped at the top. So no one is coming down the bridge behind me.

So the car that was hit is now somewhere off to the left down that road and the car that hit him is there too. The truck takes to the road again and eases through the stop sign and goes right. I ease to the sign and turn right as well. But we both dont bother to come to a complete stop. I dont know about you, but Im willing to take a ticket to avoid getting my ass slammed. I like my life and my bones not broken. I also prefer that my child not get hurt either. If there had been traffic at the other points of the intersection, then I may not have had that option. But Im sure they would understand if I went through. Unless, of course, they were one of the stupid population too.

Two other vehicles were stopped with the accident so there was help and Im sure some on the way. It wasnt a bad accident and not alot of damage. I went on to my desitination to get the hell off the road. I pull up my street and park my car in my driveway. Yeah, I have one and I use it. Not like most of the idiots that live on my street. They dont know what that is. They have driveways but never use them. Then wonder why their cars get hit or get plowed in.

Stupid people.