Friday, April 23, 2010

Suffering Part 2....

Suffering Part 2.....

I knew you would be waiting for the rest of that post. I will try to get it all in one post now. Its late at night so most of this will be ramblings. Of course, most of my posts are like that.

The waiting was endless. Time was passing way too slow. The initial incident happened in late February and Spring break was coming. I was beginning to panic more and more. I was counting down the days that I had left to be able to drive. I was thinking of ways to avoid telling certain people that I had no car. How was I going to get to work? How was I going to get to a store? Or take my father to the hopsital when he called. I didnt dare want to tell him this. He would kill me. I would never hear the end of it or live it down. This was really eating me up. I was completely devastated. I was depressed. But I was also hiding behind a mask to appear happy and normal. Inside I was dieing a slow death. A slow, painful and choking death. I was choking on my own fear.

When I drove through that area, I was nervous. I avoided that particular street. I went the long way around to go home. I didnt want to go through that again. It was consuming me. I know Im being silly about it but this was something very serious to me. The waiting was getting to me more and more.

Finally I got a letter in the mail from the court. I was dreading opening it because I knew my fate. But it wasnt what I expected. It wasnt a bill. It didnt tell me that I needed to pay or anything. It was a letter from the city DAs office telling me that there was a pretrial conference set up for me and that it would be wise for me to attend. It also said that I had pleaded not guilty to the charge. But I did plead guilty. Im confused and scared even more now. I dont want a trial. I dont want a conviction weighing on my mind now. What the hell was this all about?

The date was set for April 19th at 130pm. That would mean a half day. I know my boss wasnt going to like this. What else could I do? I cant miss this. I cant risk it. I have to meet with this man and hope for the best. I went all through the week of Spring break with this on my mind. Knowing that I would only have a few days of freedom left. How was I going to get to camp? How was I going to get to work? If I lose my job, I cant get the insurance that we need. My child wont get the medications she needs. I could taste the bile in my throat.

This all may sound so dramatic. I admit now that it was. But at the time, this was really how I was feeling. I was happy and smiling on the outside but scared and sick on the inside. I hated to pretend but I seriously didnt think anyone would understand.

The time passed slowly but yet too fast. The day approached and I wasnt ready to face it. I didnt sleep at all the night before. I didnt even eat the day before. I have low blood sugar so you know that just made it all the more sickening for me. I went to work as usual. I told my daughter that her dad would be there to pick her up from school. I had made arrangements so that she would be able to take a bus in the morning to go to school. How I would be able to pick her up afterwards was yet unknown. But I was trying to cover all the bases. I wanted to be prepared for the worse.

And yes, it was still yet to come.


This post has nothing to do with the previous one. I just checked the sidebar on my main page and noticed that I have been blogging here for four years. I just wanted to make it official.

Four years of listening to me tell my lifes stories and rambles. All the excitement and sad moments in time. There is so much more to be said though.

Heres to another four years. Or more for that matter.


I Suffered Alone....

I suffered alone....

There are times that I write personal stuff and there are times that I dont because the stuff is too personal. Somewhere in my documents files are dozens of posts that I write but never post. They are either too personal or too embarrassing. Or I write them so that I can read them 20 years from now. Yeah, like computers will be around then.

Well this post I would like to make public because there were a lot of people asking me questions for the past couple of months about the way I have been behaving. I was either too quiet or I was too hyper. Either way, I wasnt myself and I was trying to hide it as best as I could. It was just one of those things that I couldnt tell anyone. Something that I felt inside that I was a little ashamed of. Not because it was a completely bad thing, but to me it was. It was devastating to me. I felt scared, angry, embarrassed and ashamed all at once. I was in a constant state of panic. I wasnt sleeping. Well not that I sleep now but it was less than normal. I was either eating too much or not eating at all. I felt sick to my stomach. I was nervous. I was angry.

Why was I feeling all of this? I am somewhat a bit of a perfectionist for some things in my life. Not everything. Just some. Its not a psychological thing either. Its more of a success thing. There are some things that I would prefer to be good at. And I want it to stand out. One of them would be my driving record. And this is pretty much what this was all about. I have a perfect record. I have never been in trouble before. I have never failed at this before. Any accident I was in was not my fault. Yes, on this account, I was innocent at all times. Even when that jackass of a cop gave me a ticket for not wearing my seat belt even though I was wearing it. It was under my boobs so you know what he was looking at. And I did win that one in court. And proved he was an ass. But regardless, this was something worse.

One day I was driving home from work and the roads were a little slick. I was coming around a corner and at the same time there was a school bus approaching. I was almost upon the bus when the red lights came on and that little stop sign popped out of the side. I hit the brakes but was unable to stop in time. I slid past the little stop sign. This is a mistake and Im sure others have done this before as well. I cant be the only person in the world that has done this.

I was stopped but not where I was supposed to be. But do you think I could tell that to a cop? Well I tried to because when I stopped and looked up, there was a state cop behind the bus and he put his lights on and swung his car out and around to greet me. I sure he had a big smile on his face too. At this moment, I started to panic because in my eyes, I didnt do anything totally wrong. I tried to stop. But being where he was located, Im sure that was out of his line of vision.

So I sat there like a total fool waiting for him to approach my car. I know he was running my plates. He then came up to me and wanted all my information. I handed it to him and he looked at me like I had two heads. I was near to tears at this point. He told me what he pulled me over for and I told him what had happened. He said that I would need to wait there and he would be back.

It seemed like hours passed before he came back to my car. I hated sitting there while he had his lights on. Other cars were driving past me and looking at me like I was some sort of scum. Or they pointed at me. I was freaking out and literally sweating. I wanted to cry. He handed me the ticket and said for me to have a nice day. What? How can I have a nice day? Then he got back in his car and waited for me to pull away. But I sat there waiting for him to leave before I started my car up. I wasnt going to let him follow me while I was driving in a panic. That was asking for more and I wasnt about to have it.

I cried on the way home. I was also angry that the man didnt listen to me at all. And it wasnt a local cop either. This was one of the state ones and he had an ego just as big.

When I got home, I went on line to look up what the fine would be. I was stunned and shocked when I read the screen. It was a fine of a minimum of $250 to a max of $400. Also it was going to be 5 points on my license. I cant have that. That would make my insurance go up or canceled. I cant have that happen. This was now starting to piss me off more and more.

I read the ticket over and over. I checked the box off that said guilty. I figured that I would pay the fine because I didnt stand a chance in fighting it. It would be my word against his. Which do you think a judge would believe? I would just have to take the courses to reduce the points on my license and hope the insurance company would understand.

I sent the ticket in and began to wait to hear back from the court on what the fine would be. It was like waiting for death. Day and night I thought and dwelled on this. I didnt say a word to anyone about it. One night soon after, I got a message from a friend that asked me what happened because someone had seen me pulled over by the cop. So I told her what happened and she told me that I should fight it. Well maybe I could but I would have to wait to see what happens.

I never said another word about it to her or anyone else. I still felt sick to my stomach all the time about it. The waiting was so long. I think that was the worst part at that point. But it was about to get worse.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Pink Is A Pretty Color...

Pink Is A Pretty Color....

Well it is one of my favorite colors after burgundy and yellow. But its not so pretty when its your eye color. Monday morning was a bit of a crazy morning. Cami wasnt wasnting to go to school. She was cranky and whiny. Moreso than usual. Durning the break, I took her off the Abilify. It seemed to make her worse. She was gaining weight. Constantly complaining that she was hungry and just moody even more. It was turning into a nightmare at school too. She was becoming a mess. Now that shes been off of it for a while, shes been doing a little better. And shes not constantly complaining of wanting food all the time. It was a side effect of the medication.

Her psychiatrist wasnt thrilled with her not being on it. I dont care. She sees her for about 15 minutes. She needs to have her move in with her for a week to get the total effect of it. But then she wants Cami to go see another specialist to get to the bottom of her moods. He anger issues. Well this doctor is about to see my anger issue. I will give the other doctor a chance to see whats up.

I chalk it all up to either lack of sleep or too much sleep. But with the medications, its hard to regulate that. Without the abilify, she doesnt sleep too much and shes cranky in the morning. WIth the Abilify, shes sleeping all night in a deep sleep and doesnt want to wake up in the morning. Therefore, shes even worse. And it was carrying into the day where she was still cranky and tired. At least without the Abilify, she can get through her day as a normal kid.

Also this week, Wednesday was crazy. Cami woke up with a swollen eye. Its the same one she had a problem with over the break. The red spot cleared up to almost gone. But now its all puffy. I chalked it up to allergies and put a cold cloth on it to soothe it. Seemed to help. But at about 11am, her school nurse called me. She said that her eye is looking bad and pussing. Its all red and she might have pink eye. Oh great. Now what do I do?

So I left school and picked her up. We went to the doctor and they said it was a bacterial conjunctivitis. Wonderful. Pink eye is a viral. He did a culture on it and said this was bacterial. He gave me an Rx for some antibiotic drops for it. If its not cleared up by Monday, she needs to come back for something more.

I called in to work today because Cami has a doctor note for Thursday and Friday off. I have no choice. I dont have a sitter available for her. I know Im going to catch shit for this. Nothing more I can do.

I spent the entire day cleaning and washing all her stuff. I was chasing her around with a can of Lysol. Washing hands, spraying surfaces. I cant put her in a bubble. But today, the swelling was down and no puss. Thats a good sign. But now the other eye is all red and bloodshot too. But nothing like it was Wednesday morning. You could watch the puss forming. It was gross.

Shes been fighting me with the drops but she has to take them. I showed her some pictures on line of the worse cases if she doesnt allow this to be treated. She agreed that she didnt want her eye to fall out either. LOL Im hoping it clears up soon and that no one else catches it. I really hate this.

Spring Has Sprung...

Spring Has Sprung...

I do believe that Spring has finally showed its head around here. The trees are budding and some are blooming. There are a few trees outside of my work that have pretty pale pink flowers all over them. I was thinking about taking a picture or two. Hope I remember to do so before the petals fall.

The week off was a blessing. Its something that was much needed. I wish there was a way to have a couple more days off. It really went too fast. Can I have a recount? Seriously though, that week off is a great way to get away from a lot of the stress. It does get to you .

But there is only a few more weeks of school left. I havent counted the days but its more around 45 or so. Not long to go. Also not long to go before mom comes up from Florida for the summer. She called the other night to let me know that they will be leaving on the 28th of this month. I cant wait. Ive been itching for the camp.

The week off was interesting though. On Saturday we decided to take Cami out for a fun day. We dont do the whole Easter Basket thing because Cami cant have the candy and she doesnt eat the eggs. Her Easter gifts are usually a couple of stuffed animals and some new clothes. A game or a new CD are added as a bonus. She doesnt go without. Believe me, she gets the goodies.

But this time we decided that a fun day would more than make up for it. She had already gone out with grandpa to do some Spring clothes shopping. She has gained alot of weight with the Abilify and her jeans werent fitting. But she was able to get some capri pants and a few new shirts. We have an addiction to Webkinz so I picked up a couple of them for her for her Easter basket and her dad got her a couple too.

We left in the morning and started heading to Saratoga. Of course there was a stop at a DD so I could have my first iced coffee of the season. It was a warm day out. Beautiful. We headed to a few places to look at some scenery and then went to a bowling alley up there. They have an arcade so we would have some fun. When we walked into this place, it was like heaven. I swear this is true. We all love to bowl and this was a regular bowling alley with about 28 lanes. But as I turned to my right, I nearly peed my pants. They have an arcade in there that would make Chuck E Cheeses look like a dump. I couldnt believe all the cool things they had in there. Plus they had a full size Ball City!!! THis is the coolest thing. Also they had full size bumper cars!!! In a bowling alley!!! Yes Im shouting.

We were there for about 4 hours. Before we left, Cami and I went into a photo booth and got our pictures taken together. It was fun. Then we headed to a Hallmark store there to see their supply of Webkinz. I was blown away with the selection. They had a few retired ones there too. So we grabbed a few and she also got a whole stack of free trading cards. We made out fairly well. After that we headed to the local Walmart. We needed to grab some last minute items for Easter dinner. As we were checking out, her school nurse saw us and came over to say hello. She looked at Cami and asked what happened to her eye. I didnt notice anything wrong until then. She had a small red spot. The nurse said it didnt look too bad but to watch it and see if it gets worse.

Monday we went to Utica with my father, sister and neice. We visited the family out there and had a nice lunch. We then went to see some houses that the family once owned and even the one where my father was born. It was nice to see that. Every time we go there, I get to learn something new about my family. Then we headed for home. On the way home we stopped at a gift store and I picked up some stones to make a bracelet.

Tuesday came and her eye was looking worse so I took her to the doctor. We were told that it was a subconjunctival hemorrhage and not to worry about it. It would go away on its own. I asked how it could have happened because I looked at the pictures of Cami and I from the arcade and it wasnt in her eye then. He said that it could happen just from coughing. So we had a whole week for it to heal. But it was now covering half of her eye. As the week went through, it did get more and more white again so I was relieved.

There were some rainy days and there were some nice days. The vacation was too short. Counting the days til Memorial Day weekend.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Spring Break

Spring Break

Its that time of the year again. Allergy season. Well its not too bad so far. And Im not complaining. Today was the last day of school. Well not for the year but for a week. I enjoy this break almost as much as summer vacation. The weather forecast is going to be awesome this week. A far cry from the past few days for sure. The winter wasnt all that bad and because we didnt use up all the snow days, we get that extra day for Memorial Day weekend.

It has been a bit stressful with Cami lately. Im not sure what it is but shes being a royal pain in the ass in the mornings again. She has been taking her medications but I think the one is too strong. It knocks her out and she does sleep at night but she is a pain to wake up in the morning. Because shes so bitchy, she doesnt care what happens. I could take away Christmas and she doesnt care. She has a doc appointment coming up so Im hoping something can be resolved.

This part of the message is for the @&$(#&# that decided that I shouldnt be driving on my own side of the road. I was on my way home from school today and suddenly had to jerk the car up onto the sidewalk and into someones driveway to avoid a head on collision. I saw the big white SUV coming toward me and it was in my lane. It didnt show any signs of moving into its own lane so I had no choice but to dart out of the way fast. Good thing Im a conscious driver.

To make it worse, the bitch slowed down to yell out of her window to get the f*** out of her way and she proceeded to flip me off. Well la-tee-da for me being on my own side of the road. Where the hell are the cops when ya need them? Oh yeah, they were watching the streets for a funeral of a gang member shooting that happened last weekend.

I need to haul up out of this place.

In other news, the camp opens soon and the weather is so nice. I was hoping to get down there to clean up a little and just relax with a fire in the pit. Im not sure I will get to do that though. We shall see. I also want to hit some yard sales this weekend. I went to one today after school but they didnt have what I wanted. I need to hit some of the back roads ones for what I want. No one in the city would have it.

Also tomorrow I want to clean my car out. I plan to do this sometime soon. Note that I said plan. It really needs it. And then there is the yard work that has to be done. The weather is perfect for it. I also want to get Cami's bedroom cleaned out and all the clothes that dont fit her anymore need to be sent to the school nurse so she can use them for the kids that dont have much.

I have a few items that need to be brought back to the storage unit. Like the Christmas tree. Yeah its still boxed up and sitting in my storage room here. Taking up space. A few other boxes can go over and I also need to load up the stuff from the back porch too.

I did say this was a vacation right?