Life is too short....

I really hadnt planned on writing this. Its not something that I ever wished to see, hear or feel in my lifetime again. I am exhausted, drain and stressed mentally, physically and emotionally. I know everyone is used to me writing about the good stuff and putting humor into you reading. Today is not going to be such a day.

Let me start from the beginning. Yeah this will be long. When I was 17, I worked for a local retail giant. I worked in the catalog department. Yeah it was always fun there during the holiday season. Anyways, a new girl was hired to work the back desk with me. Her name was Karen. We became great friends right away.

Over the years Karen and I pretty much did everything together. She was pretty, had nice clothes, drove a nice car and ad a great family. For many years, I didnt even know her parents first names because they were mom and dad to me. Same with my parents to her.

She was dating a guy named Scott and we always went out together. We got in trouble together and over all we had a great time. Somewhere along the line they broke up but remained friends.

She then later on met Bob, got married and had a beautiful baby girl. Shortly after that, they moved to Florida. Her and Bob had a house and mom and dad had a house. Things were going ok for a while but then they split up. Im not going into detail because that part is not part of this post. Bob moved back to NY and her parents sold their place and moved in with her and her daughter.

A divorce was started and also something changed in Karen. She started to alter her image. Stayed home. She just wasnt the same person. But it was about to get worse. About this same time, her brother split from his wife and moved into the house in NY. Everyone would come up from Florida to spend the summer there. This was the only time I would get to see her.

We managed to stay very close friends through everything that was going on around us in our lives. I soon realized that I was really the only friend she had. She was giving up on everything because low self esteme was settling in. When she was here, I would make sure to see her and take her out. Or have her come to my house. Just to get her out and pumping again. I missed her when she was smiling. But we still had a great time together. That never changed.

About two years ago it changed. Completely. Her brother did something that would change alot of lives overnight. He committed suicide. No one was there to save him. But somehow the blame was put on Karen. I know the truth to what happened and believe me, she wasnt the blame. Not even close.

But life as we knew it was gone. She stopped taking care of herself and her daughter. Mom also went off the deep end. Between pain killers and lack of wanting to live for themselves, they fought all the time and locked themselves up in their rooms and cried and slept their drug induced lives out the window. I can understand that losing a family member is devastating. I myself lost big time shortly after Karen did. I lost my stepdad a month after we lost Bobby.

When Karen showed up to the hospital to see mom and dad, we didnt recognize her. Gone was the nice hair, the makeup, the nice clothes. It broke my heart. Shortly after, they sold the house up here and settled in to live in Florida. Karens dad is also suffering from cancer. This has taken a huge toll on me over the past couple of years.

When Bobby died, it was me that went through his things to sort and clean out his room. I didnt want mom to have to do this task. I took care of the house and them the best I could. I became their shoulder to cry on. I became their solid rock to lean on. I was the one they called when they needed someone to handle life in general.

Karen would contact me on line or call me alot. Most of the time I couldnt understand her. Whether speaking or typing. She was an emotional mess. But I was her friend and her anchor. I listened to her and I cheered her up. Being 1300 miles away was very difficult on me. Not much I could do. I would have given anything to go to her house, get her out of bed and dress her. Put makeup on her and do her hair was something I would have cherished. I wanted to take her out and show her that there were living people on the outside of her door.

Her daughter took the brunt of this. Its very hard for a little girl to have to live with so much tramua and grief. But when I got a chance, or she did, we would sit and talk on line. She would tell me her feelings and I would help her with her homework. What else did she have with her mom and grandma fighting and locking themselves away from the world.

On Nov 9th, Karen and I chatted on line til the wee hours. She was tellign me the same thing about how her daughter would be better off without her and all the trauma going on in the house. It was a conversation that we had alot over the past couple of years. But every time, it would end on a happy note with me cheering her up and making life a little better for her.

That night she went to bed with some happy thoughts. We had been talking about an actor that she liked and that I would make something for her and send it down. The next morning, she called me early to talk to me. She knew it was the anniversary of dad passing and she knew I would need a friend to talk to. This time she cheered me up. hen she said she was going to go and get a bite to eat and would call me later. I didnt hear from her. I figured she went back to bed.

Friday night, her daughter contacted me and asked if I read her email. I hadnt because she sent it to an addy that I no longer used or had access to. She then relayed the message to me that she originally sent. It was sent a week ago and I didnt get it.

On the morning of the tenth, her daughter went into her room to see if she needed anything and found her not breathing. KC and her grandparents are on their way here to NY as I type this. I will see them tomorrow when they arrive. My sole purpose now is to once again be that solid rock. Once again I will take care of them.

I contacted Scott and let him know. He will be my solid rock. He will help me take care of them. I thank him for this. I wouldnt be able to do this without him. Of course I will take care of him too.

On November 10, 2006, I not only lost my friend, but someone that was also my sister. Someone who really truely knew me. Someone who shared my heart. Someone who knew my soul.

I promised that I would care for her daughter in her absence. And that is what I will do. Life as we knew is now, once again, changed forever. A part of me went with her. I knew she was gone a long time ago. There wasnt much I could do to stop her. She made up her mind back then. I held on to her tight. I tried. I really tried. But somehow in the back of my mind, I didnt try hard enough. I know I did all I could have done. Somehow I feel I could have done something more. I dont know what it was but there just had to be something.

I will get through this. I have to. I have my own little girl to take care of. No matter what happens in life, my little girl will always come first. I cant leave her behind. I will hide all my fears just so she wont have to go through this. I will always remain strong for her so that the sun will always shine on her beautiful face.

I will never let her cry and will always encourage her to smile. Now that time has come where I will help KC do the same. I love her as if she were my own. In a way she is and always has been. This will be a huge step for me to take, but I will take it. They will arrive tomorrow and I will face them with my shoulders solid.

Good bye, my friend. I wish for you a safe journey. You will now be at peace with no sorrow and no pain. Dont look back. Everything will be ok here. I will make sure of it. But promise me one thing. Remember the good times and keep the sun shining. You can once again smile.

I will always love you.