Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Broken Bridges.....

Its been a long time since I have posted anything.  Life has taken some serious turns and hit a lot of holes in the road.  Its things like this that gave me the title to this blog.  This time, the holes became extremely large and difficult to get out of. 

A couple of years ago, my fathers illness took a bad turn.  He has always had issues with his lungs due to exposure at work.  But then the tumor showed up and his breathing took a toll for the worse.  He went through radiation treatment but it needed more.  Chemo would not have helped him.  His body was too weak and so was his heart.  The medications he was on took a toll on his mind.  A lot of things were said and a lot of mistakes were made.  A lot of lies were spread as well.  Im mot sure which was worse, the lies or the pain. 

I wont go into too much detail but in the end, my daughter and I suffered for it as well as he did.  I wasnt there when he died.  I wasnt allowed to be there.  The funeral was a nightmare.  Families were torn apart.  Lives were shattered.  I think in a way it brought my sister and I a little closer.  We are working on that.  But it also created a barrier that is much stronger.  I lost a whole part of my family.  Ones that I thought would be there for me.  I was wrong. 

On another note, my job went in a different direction as well.  I really hate that they make you wait until the last minute to see what will happen next.  Its like a movie or a soap opera.  They leave you hanging.  Nervous and scared until the very last moment and then tell you what will happen.  Then they make you wait even more to make sure this was the right decision.  They do this to me every year.  Well, not to just me.  Others are involved.  There are some that still have no idea what will happen in the next month.  The waiting is torture. I know the powers that be dont do this on purpose.  I have always believed that if its not broke, dont fix it.  But other things broke and they have to fix that.  In the process, they have to fix more things that they will end up breaking.  Weird, I know. 

As it stands right now, I will be moved to another building.  But its ok.  I will be staying with the same program and the same co-workers.  Im ok with that.  Actually happy with that.  Im just hoping that they dont change it.  I will miss my friends in the old building.  I know that this is a good decision because the program is where it is supposed to be.  Just waiting for the next month to be over to make sure this is how it will work out.  Fingers crossed. 

My nerves are shot.  My heart is broken.  My whole life is at a stand still.  Just wish it was easier.  I know Im strong.  I know I can handle it.  Where do I begin this long process of healing?  When does the pain go away?  When does the confusion go away? 

When can I cross the bridge that was taken away from me? 


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