I Suffered Alone....
I suffered alone....
There are times that I write personal stuff and there are times that I dont because the stuff is too personal. Somewhere in my documents files are dozens of posts that I write but never post. They are either too personal or too embarrassing. Or I write them so that I can read them 20 years from now. Yeah, like computers will be around then.
Well this post I would like to make public because there were a lot of people asking me questions for the past couple of months about the way I have been behaving. I was either too quiet or I was too hyper. Either way, I wasnt myself and I was trying to hide it as best as I could. It was just one of those things that I couldnt tell anyone. Something that I felt inside that I was a little ashamed of. Not because it was a completely bad thing, but to me it was. It was devastating to me. I felt scared, angry, embarrassed and ashamed all at once. I was in a constant state of panic. I wasnt sleeping. Well not that I sleep now but it was less than normal. I was either eating too much or not eating at all. I felt sick to my stomach. I was nervous. I was angry.
Why was I feeling all of this? I am somewhat a bit of a perfectionist for some things in my life. Not everything. Just some. Its not a psychological thing either. Its more of a success thing. There are some things that I would prefer to be good at. And I want it to stand out. One of them would be my driving record. And this is pretty much what this was all about. I have a perfect record. I have never been in trouble before. I have never failed at this before. Any accident I was in was not my fault. Yes, on this account, I was innocent at all times. Even when that jackass of a cop gave me a ticket for not wearing my seat belt even though I was wearing it. It was under my boobs so you know what he was looking at. And I did win that one in court. And proved he was an ass. But regardless, this was something worse.
One day I was driving home from work and the roads were a little slick. I was coming around a corner and at the same time there was a school bus approaching. I was almost upon the bus when the red lights came on and that little stop sign popped out of the side. I hit the brakes but was unable to stop in time. I slid past the little stop sign. This is a mistake and Im sure others have done this before as well. I cant be the only person in the world that has done this.
I was stopped but not where I was supposed to be. But do you think I could tell that to a cop? Well I tried to because when I stopped and looked up, there was a state cop behind the bus and he put his lights on and swung his car out and around to greet me. I sure he had a big smile on his face too. At this moment, I started to panic because in my eyes, I didnt do anything totally wrong. I tried to stop. But being where he was located, Im sure that was out of his line of vision.
So I sat there like a total fool waiting for him to approach my car. I know he was running my plates. He then came up to me and wanted all my information. I handed it to him and he looked at me like I had two heads. I was near to tears at this point. He told me what he pulled me over for and I told him what had happened. He said that I would need to wait there and he would be back.
It seemed like hours passed before he came back to my car. I hated sitting there while he had his lights on. Other cars were driving past me and looking at me like I was some sort of scum. Or they pointed at me. I was freaking out and literally sweating. I wanted to cry. He handed me the ticket and said for me to have a nice day. What? How can I have a nice day? Then he got back in his car and waited for me to pull away. But I sat there waiting for him to leave before I started my car up. I wasnt going to let him follow me while I was driving in a panic. That was asking for more and I wasnt about to have it.
I cried on the way home. I was also angry that the man didnt listen to me at all. And it wasnt a local cop either. This was one of the state ones and he had an ego just as big.
When I got home, I went on line to look up what the fine would be. I was stunned and shocked when I read the screen. It was a fine of a minimum of $250 to a max of $400. Also it was going to be 5 points on my license. I cant have that. That would make my insurance go up or canceled. I cant have that happen. This was now starting to piss me off more and more.
I read the ticket over and over. I checked the box off that said guilty. I figured that I would pay the fine because I didnt stand a chance in fighting it. It would be my word against his. Which do you think a judge would believe? I would just have to take the courses to reduce the points on my license and hope the insurance company would understand.
I sent the ticket in and began to wait to hear back from the court on what the fine would be. It was like waiting for death. Day and night I thought and dwelled on this. I didnt say a word to anyone about it. One night soon after, I got a message from a friend that asked me what happened because someone had seen me pulled over by the cop. So I told her what happened and she told me that I should fight it. Well maybe I could but I would have to wait to see what happens.
I never said another word about it to her or anyone else. I still felt sick to my stomach all the time about it. The waiting was so long. I think that was the worst part at that point. But it was about to get worse.
There are times that I write personal stuff and there are times that I dont because the stuff is too personal. Somewhere in my documents files are dozens of posts that I write but never post. They are either too personal or too embarrassing. Or I write them so that I can read them 20 years from now. Yeah, like computers will be around then.
Well this post I would like to make public because there were a lot of people asking me questions for the past couple of months about the way I have been behaving. I was either too quiet or I was too hyper. Either way, I wasnt myself and I was trying to hide it as best as I could. It was just one of those things that I couldnt tell anyone. Something that I felt inside that I was a little ashamed of. Not because it was a completely bad thing, but to me it was. It was devastating to me. I felt scared, angry, embarrassed and ashamed all at once. I was in a constant state of panic. I wasnt sleeping. Well not that I sleep now but it was less than normal. I was either eating too much or not eating at all. I felt sick to my stomach. I was nervous. I was angry.
Why was I feeling all of this? I am somewhat a bit of a perfectionist for some things in my life. Not everything. Just some. Its not a psychological thing either. Its more of a success thing. There are some things that I would prefer to be good at. And I want it to stand out. One of them would be my driving record. And this is pretty much what this was all about. I have a perfect record. I have never been in trouble before. I have never failed at this before. Any accident I was in was not my fault. Yes, on this account, I was innocent at all times. Even when that jackass of a cop gave me a ticket for not wearing my seat belt even though I was wearing it. It was under my boobs so you know what he was looking at. And I did win that one in court. And proved he was an ass. But regardless, this was something worse.
One day I was driving home from work and the roads were a little slick. I was coming around a corner and at the same time there was a school bus approaching. I was almost upon the bus when the red lights came on and that little stop sign popped out of the side. I hit the brakes but was unable to stop in time. I slid past the little stop sign. This is a mistake and Im sure others have done this before as well. I cant be the only person in the world that has done this.
I was stopped but not where I was supposed to be. But do you think I could tell that to a cop? Well I tried to because when I stopped and looked up, there was a state cop behind the bus and he put his lights on and swung his car out and around to greet me. I sure he had a big smile on his face too. At this moment, I started to panic because in my eyes, I didnt do anything totally wrong. I tried to stop. But being where he was located, Im sure that was out of his line of vision.
So I sat there like a total fool waiting for him to approach my car. I know he was running my plates. He then came up to me and wanted all my information. I handed it to him and he looked at me like I had two heads. I was near to tears at this point. He told me what he pulled me over for and I told him what had happened. He said that I would need to wait there and he would be back.
It seemed like hours passed before he came back to my car. I hated sitting there while he had his lights on. Other cars were driving past me and looking at me like I was some sort of scum. Or they pointed at me. I was freaking out and literally sweating. I wanted to cry. He handed me the ticket and said for me to have a nice day. What? How can I have a nice day? Then he got back in his car and waited for me to pull away. But I sat there waiting for him to leave before I started my car up. I wasnt going to let him follow me while I was driving in a panic. That was asking for more and I wasnt about to have it.
I cried on the way home. I was also angry that the man didnt listen to me at all. And it wasnt a local cop either. This was one of the state ones and he had an ego just as big.
When I got home, I went on line to look up what the fine would be. I was stunned and shocked when I read the screen. It was a fine of a minimum of $250 to a max of $400. Also it was going to be 5 points on my license. I cant have that. That would make my insurance go up or canceled. I cant have that happen. This was now starting to piss me off more and more.
I read the ticket over and over. I checked the box off that said guilty. I figured that I would pay the fine because I didnt stand a chance in fighting it. It would be my word against his. Which do you think a judge would believe? I would just have to take the courses to reduce the points on my license and hope the insurance company would understand.
I sent the ticket in and began to wait to hear back from the court on what the fine would be. It was like waiting for death. Day and night I thought and dwelled on this. I didnt say a word to anyone about it. One night soon after, I got a message from a friend that asked me what happened because someone had seen me pulled over by the cop. So I told her what happened and she told me that I should fight it. Well maybe I could but I would have to wait to see what happens.
I never said another word about it to her or anyone else. I still felt sick to my stomach all the time about it. The waiting was so long. I think that was the worst part at that point. But it was about to get worse.
posted by BC at
8:39 PM
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