Suffering Part 2....
Suffering Part 2.....
I knew you would be waiting for the rest of that post. I will try to get it all in one post now. Its late at night so most of this will be ramblings. Of course, most of my posts are like that.
The waiting was endless. Time was passing way too slow. The initial incident happened in late February and Spring break was coming. I was beginning to panic more and more. I was counting down the days that I had left to be able to drive. I was thinking of ways to avoid telling certain people that I had no car. How was I going to get to work? How was I going to get to a store? Or take my father to the hopsital when he called. I didnt dare want to tell him this. He would kill me. I would never hear the end of it or live it down. This was really eating me up. I was completely devastated. I was depressed. But I was also hiding behind a mask to appear happy and normal. Inside I was dieing a slow death. A slow, painful and choking death. I was choking on my own fear.
When I drove through that area, I was nervous. I avoided that particular street. I went the long way around to go home. I didnt want to go through that again. It was consuming me. I know Im being silly about it but this was something very serious to me. The waiting was getting to me more and more.
Finally I got a letter in the mail from the court. I was dreading opening it because I knew my fate. But it wasnt what I expected. It wasnt a bill. It didnt tell me that I needed to pay or anything. It was a letter from the city DAs office telling me that there was a pretrial conference set up for me and that it would be wise for me to attend. It also said that I had pleaded not guilty to the charge. But I did plead guilty. Im confused and scared even more now. I dont want a trial. I dont want a conviction weighing on my mind now. What the hell was this all about?
The date was set for April 19th at 130pm. That would mean a half day. I know my boss wasnt going to like this. What else could I do? I cant miss this. I cant risk it. I have to meet with this man and hope for the best. I went all through the week of Spring break with this on my mind. Knowing that I would only have a few days of freedom left. How was I going to get to camp? How was I going to get to work? If I lose my job, I cant get the insurance that we need. My child wont get the medications she needs. I could taste the bile in my throat.
This all may sound so dramatic. I admit now that it was. But at the time, this was really how I was feeling. I was happy and smiling on the outside but scared and sick on the inside. I hated to pretend but I seriously didnt think anyone would understand.
The time passed slowly but yet too fast. The day approached and I wasnt ready to face it. I didnt sleep at all the night before. I didnt even eat the day before. I have low blood sugar so you know that just made it all the more sickening for me. I went to work as usual. I told my daughter that her dad would be there to pick her up from school. I had made arrangements so that she would be able to take a bus in the morning to go to school. How I would be able to pick her up afterwards was yet unknown. But I was trying to cover all the bases. I wanted to be prepared for the worse.
And yes, it was still yet to come.
I knew you would be waiting for the rest of that post. I will try to get it all in one post now. Its late at night so most of this will be ramblings. Of course, most of my posts are like that.
The waiting was endless. Time was passing way too slow. The initial incident happened in late February and Spring break was coming. I was beginning to panic more and more. I was counting down the days that I had left to be able to drive. I was thinking of ways to avoid telling certain people that I had no car. How was I going to get to work? How was I going to get to a store? Or take my father to the hopsital when he called. I didnt dare want to tell him this. He would kill me. I would never hear the end of it or live it down. This was really eating me up. I was completely devastated. I was depressed. But I was also hiding behind a mask to appear happy and normal. Inside I was dieing a slow death. A slow, painful and choking death. I was choking on my own fear.
When I drove through that area, I was nervous. I avoided that particular street. I went the long way around to go home. I didnt want to go through that again. It was consuming me. I know Im being silly about it but this was something very serious to me. The waiting was getting to me more and more.
Finally I got a letter in the mail from the court. I was dreading opening it because I knew my fate. But it wasnt what I expected. It wasnt a bill. It didnt tell me that I needed to pay or anything. It was a letter from the city DAs office telling me that there was a pretrial conference set up for me and that it would be wise for me to attend. It also said that I had pleaded not guilty to the charge. But I did plead guilty. Im confused and scared even more now. I dont want a trial. I dont want a conviction weighing on my mind now. What the hell was this all about?
The date was set for April 19th at 130pm. That would mean a half day. I know my boss wasnt going to like this. What else could I do? I cant miss this. I cant risk it. I have to meet with this man and hope for the best. I went all through the week of Spring break with this on my mind. Knowing that I would only have a few days of freedom left. How was I going to get to camp? How was I going to get to work? If I lose my job, I cant get the insurance that we need. My child wont get the medications she needs. I could taste the bile in my throat.
This all may sound so dramatic. I admit now that it was. But at the time, this was really how I was feeling. I was happy and smiling on the outside but scared and sick on the inside. I hated to pretend but I seriously didnt think anyone would understand.
The time passed slowly but yet too fast. The day approached and I wasnt ready to face it. I didnt sleep at all the night before. I didnt even eat the day before. I have low blood sugar so you know that just made it all the more sickening for me. I went to work as usual. I told my daughter that her dad would be there to pick her up from school. I had made arrangements so that she would be able to take a bus in the morning to go to school. How I would be able to pick her up afterwards was yet unknown. But I was trying to cover all the bases. I wanted to be prepared for the worse.
And yes, it was still yet to come.
posted by BC at
9:24 PM
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