Mixed Emotions.....

Mixed Emotions....

Once again, I started this post and forgot about posting it.........Its from 2/21

Today was hell day. Its currently 2am and Im sitting here banging my head on the wall trying to still process it all in. Ive often wanted to write about the hell days but I thought that it was better left unsaid. But today was a day that just wound me up like a tight little spring. Everyone that knows me will tell you that Im one of the most patient people you will ever meet. It takes alot to put me over the edge. But today was exactly one of those days. Sometimes I do write it all down but I never post them. It just feels good to write it out and get it out of my system though. Im not sure if this is going to be one of the times that I post it up. We shall see when Im done writing.

I woke up this morning to the sound of the phone ringing. This is my vacation time and I would have appreciated another hour of sleep. I didnt get much the night before because of this cold I have. It seems that when I lay down, I start to cough. When I lay to the right side, all the crap in my nose rushes to that side. When I turn over, it all rushes to that side. I cant win. I cough and I cant breathe. This sucks. Ive taken enough Tylenol Cold meds to kill a horse. It just leaves me with a numb nose. Sure as hell doesnt unclog it though. Ive never understood the process it takes to make snot. Maybe I should do some research and a post on that. Where does it all come from? I think I have blown enough out of my nose to fill my sink. I know my head isnt that big.

But anywho, back to my morning. I always seem to get off track when Im in a rant. Im my hazy state of mind, I was stumbling through the house to get to the phone. It was my father wanting me to take him somewhere. I was still so tired from lack of sleep that I just agreed and needed a shower before I would be over to pick him up.

Due from the activity of the night before, I was sitting up watching tv and I had a drink that I had set on my desk. This is not something I normally do but I dont have a stand to put anything on other than the one that my tv is on. If I put something there, the cat tends to knock it off. So dummy me put the cup on the desk. Right in front of my keyboard.

I finally went to sleep. I wasnt asleep for long when I hear a little voice waking me up. This one was real though. Not one of those in my head. It was coming from Cami's room. I cant believe she was still up. I really cant sleep that well when she doesnt sleep. Its one of those things where I know shes bored and to relieve that, she plays or gets into things. She has a habit of stealing food that she doesnt eat. Or she will play in the bathroom. Its an ADHD thing.

So anywho, sure enough, she stole some candy. Well this isnt something that she should be doing so late at night because she will be up for the rest of the night. And sure enough, she was.

Just as a little side note, Im writing this weird because when I started it, it was that time but now its a week later and Im too lazy to change everything. Beare with me.

Well that night was a very long night. I think I finally dozed off around 6am. I really get to have much sleep when the phone rang and woke me up. My father had been having issues with his cell phone and wanted to go to the Verizon Center to get it checked out. So in my groggy, hazy state of mind, I grabbed for my towel on the back of my chair and proceeded to head to the shower. When I swung the towel over my shoulder, it hit the cup on my desk.

Oh shit. The cup went over and some of its contents went right on my keyboard. In my frantic panic, I grabbed the towel and proceeded to push it on my keyboard but it was too late. Really, there wasnt much in the cup but for some reason, the liquid doubled and went everywhere. On the keyboard and behind it. It was a mess. My keyboard is still attached by its cord to the computer. I havent advanced to the new ones yet. That cord was wrapped behind the monitor. So I tried to pick the keyboard up to clean behind it and under it. Thats when I realized that the cord was too short and my monitor tipped over. This is really pissing me off now. So I stand the monitor back up and in the process tipped the keyboard to the right. All the liquid poured out that end and onto my desk.

So I tipped it the other way to clean the desk and the rest of it all poured onto that side of the desk. SOB this was pissing me off more and more. Im still quite groggy but waking up and not happy about it. It was all happening so fast. I just said the hell with it and grabbed a pair os scissors and cut the damn cord. The keyboard went out the back door. It was toast anyway. It was filled with soda. How would I have possibly saved it? There was no way. So I went back to cleaning my desk. I had it all cleaned up and then I thought of my shower. I would need a new towel now.

I had a nice hot shower and I sort of relaxed a bit. I couldnt believe how stupid I was to have that cup there. This really set the mood for the day. But I was able to pull myself together and get ready. I picked my father up and off we went to the store. I told him that it sounded like the battery was gone and sure enough, I was right. We got all that set and then went to lunch.

Then we headed to Walmart. I needed a new keyboard. You dont think I would go on without one do you? Hell no. My computer is my sanity. Well, sort of. Its the sanity that leads to my insanity. I figured that Walmart would have a decent selection for what I needed. Im one of those that doesnt need all the fancy stuff. Well I guess I was wrong. They had only a few selections and not one of them was for me. But I needed something and this was my only chance. I had to choose between the tiny corded one or the regular sized wireless one. So I opted to move up in the world and get the wireless one. This also came with a new mouse. Which I also needed. At least the day wasnt all that bad. I hooked it all up and was back on line in no time.

Back to work on Monday. I really didnt want to go. I didnt get much sleep the night before because I was used to being able to sleep later in the mornings. Which was pretty much due to the fact that I was staying up really late because of Cami. I had a chit chat with her doctor and we worked out some new things to try and Im hoping they will work. A whole new plan to win a battle. We decided on a marble jar. When she does a good thing, marbles get put into the jar. When she does something bad, marbles come out of the jar. When she fills the jar, she gets a reward. Something like going to Build A Bear, or to have friends spend the night. Things like that. Things that she wants to earn. Even time on her DS or her MP3 player. Yeah she had those taken away for some of her midnight anticts. Lets see how that works. As of right now, there are no marbles in the jar.

Also during this week, I went to the foot doc again. She put new tapes on. I dont have to return for two weeks this time. Its been a whole week and I did very well. Except that I did do something I wasnt supposed to do. I was running. Im not supposed to because this aggrivates the injury site. But I had no choice. I was working with a friend of mine about some courses we had to take and I was just coming from her room. I was in the front foyer of the school when I heard the fire alarm go off. I had to get to my class to help get them out. I rounded the corner to head to my wing when I saw all the smoke. Oh shit. I turned around and went back to the front and helped get some other kids out of the building and then I ran down the front sidewalk to get to my class.

I was quite sore. But it was something I had no choice about. The most difficult part of all that was to keep the kids out of the melting snow and off the "landmines" on the sidewalk. Its pretty gross when people dont clean up after their animals. But we got through that day and I couldnt wait to be home. I have been napping again after work so that helps when I have to be up at night with Cami. It makes for a much better situation if I not stressed out and tired.

Also I want to add to this to let you know that my moms boyfriend is still in the rehab center. He went in for knee surgery on the 12th. He spent a couple of days in the hospital and then they sent him to a rehab center for 6 days. Well that six days thing turned out to be a little longer. He is diabetic and they are having a hell of a time regulating his sugar and this is making him weak. Its not helping for the PT at all. We are hoping that they can come up with something that will help him and bring him home. Please send out some good thoughts for him to recover soon.

Also I would like to add that my dog had her second birthday here. Shes 6 now. Time flies really fast when you are having fun.

I think thats all for now. If there is more, I will post that in a new blog that will probably show up a week from now.

Til next time.

Its almost over....

Its almost over....

No its not the end of the world. Thats someone elses blog.

I havebeen on a week vacation from school. Mid Winter Recess. Such a wonderful thing. We should have one every month. But I have been taking this week to relax and keep off my feet. I ended last week with leaving school early for a doctor appointment. I got my right foot retaped and the doctor told me to take the tapes off on Monday as usual. I took them off a little early though because I had an itch on my foot that wouldnt leave me alone. You know, the kind like when you have a cast on and you need a wire hanger to stick down in and scratch it til you cut yourself. So I took off the taping early just for that pleasure. Sunday, I went to the mall with my father and walked a bit and then on Monday I went out with him, my sister, Cami and my neice. My foot was doing alot better.

I now have new sneakers that are a little on the snug side with the heel cups that the doctor gave to me. They seem to be working better. But then again, I have been off my feet for most of the time. And Im not walking on that hard concrete all day. That helps alot too. My ankles have been better since I started the taping. The thing that kills me is the cost. Fifty bucks total and the insurance company only pays ten of that. How stupid.

I didnt go to class this week though. The weather was supposed to be a mess so I passed up driving in that crap. Im getting really tired of this weird weather. Warm one day and then cold the next. I can tolerate the cold but it never fails to make me sick. So yep, that means I have another cold. It will go by quick though. Im using the good stuff on it. But typical of NY, thats how it is here. You would think I would be used to it by now.

My pets have been behaving better. When Mindy first moved here, it was pretty crazy. The kitty moved here before Holly passed away. Holly was quite a big dog. Mindy looks like Holly but shes about half the size. I think I may have freaked the cat out with that. She was probably thinking that she got rid of the big dog and now shes back but she shrunk. But now they are just behaving like, well, cats and dogs. The cat stalks the dog while shes eating. The dog stalks the cat when shes in the litter box. They chase each other all night. But when they do sleep, they tend to sleep next to each other. Its so cute. They dont fool me a bit.

So today is Thursday. Im getting sort of cabin fever again. I need to get out and do something but I dont have the extra cash to do so. I was thinking about a trip to the museum tomorrow. Only thing is, I have to keep Cami away from the gift shop. She will break a bank in there. But then again, so will I. More than likely though I would be in there looking for stones. Yeah, pretty sad that I buy stones. But these are really nice for me to make things with so its worth it. Ive been working on a necklace now for w few days trying to decide how to finish it. I love the main part of it but the rest is killing me. Its all done with blue tigereye. But what to finish it with, I have no idea. I have a chain on it now but I need something more. I get this way some times.

Ive been doing some other work on a few more pieces. Im hoping to finish them up soon so that I can get them up on the website. I also need to work on taking some photos of finished work. If I dont go to the museum tomorrow, I will be setting up my boxes and sorting everything that needs to be photoed and cataloging it all so that I can get a little more organized. I need to get one of those carts that have several drawers for this stuff. I have so much to sell that isnt even up on the website. I need to get that moving. I just keep making more and more stuff though. It keeps me busy.

Also, if someone could give me some display ideas, that would be great. I cant afford to buy them but I want something more specifically for bracelets. Nothing fancy. Just ideas.

Also can you tell my dog that she cant go out to pee every hour just because its snowing and cold.

This wont hurt a bit...

This wont hurt a bit...

Thats what she said. Well not really. She knew it would hurt.

I went to the doctor again last Friday. It seems to be a twice a week thing now. Its getting to the point that I cant afford this anymore. The pain is still there but not as much. I guess thats a little bit of good news. We talked about getting another shot in my foot. Im really not too thrilled about this because I know how painful it was the last time. When Dr. H did it, it was really quick but extremely painful. But at least he was quick. Also he knew enough to lay across my legs to insure that he doesnt get kicked. Im sure hes felt that pain before. Smart man.

But this time it was different. This was a doctor that really didnt know me very well. So this meant that I had to tell her of the previous experiences I have had with needles. She also confirmed to me that she herself treated Dr. H for his spurs. Wonderful. At least I know this is someone that a doctor trusts. I must be heading in the right direction.

So we talked about this for a few minutes and then we both agreed that this should be done. I told her that it didnt work the last time and she said that she would put the good stuff in a few different areas and also include a numbing agent. Too bad the numbing agent was inside the needle and not outside to the foot first. Seriously, that makes all the difference.

Cami was asked to leave the room and go hang out with the nurse down the hall. She really didnt want to leave but I assured her that I was going to be ok. Shes such a darling child. I really do love her alot and she was really worried about me. With the coaxing of a lollipop, she slipped out the door. Well that wasnt too hard to do.

I was laid back in the chair and told to relax. Relax? This hurts more than getting my boobs squished in that machine. Take a deep breath? Ive heard that before too. With that same machine. Then she sprays the bottom of my foot with that cold spray. That stuff is pure evil. Im not ticklish in the least but damn that stuff sent me to the ceiling. It does every time. Its more of the shocking kind of pain. But yet its not really a pain at all. I cant describe it. Really I cant. Its so cold that it almost hurts. But the shock factor would give someone a jolt for sure.

Then she says to breathe again. Was I holding my breath? Oh wait, I was. I knew what was to come. I knew the pain that was about to sear into my foot. And the scary part was that she didnt bother to even grab the other foot just in case I sent her jaw into oblivion. Trust me, that thought doesnt even cross your mind. Its just a reflex. I have an extreme tolerance to pain and this was going to hurt like hell.

I braced myself by gripping the arm rests. Im sure I have already left some marks on it before the needle went in. She gripped my right foot and turned it so that the inside of my heel was facing her. This is where the needle is going in. I brace myself even more but yet try to relax the muscle in my foot. Not an easy task to do. She sprays more of that stuff on and then puts the needle in before the shock factor wore off. I would like to add that I am also a very vocal person. But I can contain my thoughts. I dont scream out the words that I really want to. Well at least not in professional company. Even when my daughter was being born, I only screamed out the word fuck once. Actually it was "I am fucking pushing!!!!"

But anywho, that needle went in and I dug out the skin from my palms. I really dont remember too much after that. I put my mind into a better place. Or at least I tried to. I think it was more along the lines of concentraing on something other than putting my foot against the doctors jaw and sending her into tomorrow. Its not her fault that it hurts so much so I let it go this time. This time.

Then I hear silence. I know Im breathing but she tells me to do so anyways. A knock comes to the door and I hear a tiny voice asking if Im ok. Cami was extremely worried. Apparently they heard me down the hall saying Ow ow ow ow it hurts it hurts it hurts. Over and over and over. The doctor is now rubbing something on my foot to ease the pain of the shot and then she stuck a bandaid on it. She then taped my foot and asked if I needed a few minutes to gather myself. I would need more than a few minutes but all I really wanted was to be home. So I said I was ok and she let me get my shoes on.

I went out to the hall and limped my way to the desk. The main desk is inside the office and the door to the waiting room was closed. I asked the receptionist if there was anyone out there and she said no. I took a deep breath and laughed. I told her that was a good thing because the last time I had this done, Im sure I caused some old lady to have a heart attack in the waiting room. She had a good laugh. I then left the office.

Im so thankful that this place has an elevator. There is no way I was going to be able to go down a flight of stairs. I would have had to slide down the railing and that would not have been impressive. Well maybe it would but that depends on who is watching. I limped out to my car and sat there for a few minutes. Damn that hurt. It hurt alot. It was one of those moments when I wished I had taken a cab. I knew what was about to happen and I wasnt looking forward to it. Its my right foot and I have to use it to drive home. I pulled out of the lot and sure enough, as soon as I was on my way, the throbbing started and I was near to tears before I got home. Im glad for the weekend.

Saturday I went to class and I was able to relax my foot. Sunday I went to the mall and walked a little. It didnt hurt as much as it normally would have. Sunday night was a pain in the ass because I wasnt feeling well and neither was Cami. We both ended up staying awake til about 5am and I called in. It was a day spent in bed relaxing. Tuesday was an ok day. My foot didnt hurt as bad and I went back to the doctor. She retaped my right foot and also up my ankle a little. I was told to start wearing normal shoes with the heel cups and see how that goes. Today I did that and thank gawd it was only a half day. Im sitting here with so much pain in my foot. I came home and put my crocs back on and its not as bad. I would give anything to be able to soak my foot but I cant. At least not until tomorrow night. I have to get through these next two days and then I have a week off. Im hoping to not do too much. Im sure to have an interesting post for it though because Cami wants a sleep over with one of her friends.

Smell my feet....

Smell my feet...

How interesting can this be? Im serious though. Im pretty much reduced to washing my feet with baby wipes and soap. I cant get the bandages wet in the shower. I now have both feet wrapped. I went to the doctor again today and she taped both up and told me to come back on Friday. So this is going to be a twice a week thing. On Friday though, I will be recieving shots. Id like to avoid this process though. I actually prefer to have them taped because this is immobilizing the tendons to allow them to heal. I just dont like having to wear the bags over my feet to shower. I hate wearing socks all the time. I like my feet to be cool when I sleep at night.

Today was a hellish day. It wasnt so bad til the afternoon. I knew I should have gone out for lunch. I was captured in the lunch room and sweetly talked into taking on the sixth grade class to teach for the afternoon. It went fairly well but for a choice three that just couldnt get it together. I wasnt prepared for this and my boss had to step in. I wasnt prepared for that either so Im sure I will hear about it tomorrow. I left out of there early before anyone could say anything to me. I will refuse to do it tomorrow. I was able to take care of a few things before I left though and also got my bus line together before I left though. They cant complain about that.

I have a class tomorrow but I think I will be limiting my time there with the expense of my doctor visits though. $80 a week is going to kill me financially. Also they are discussing the issue of orthotics for my feet. Im hoping that my insurance company will cover the bill for them or Im screwed in that department as well. I cant afford them on my own. Also they want me to use their gel cups as they are supposed to be alot better than the ones at the stores.

My advice to anyone who has a job that requires you to be on your feet alot is to take care of your feet and dont take advantage of walking pain free. Soak them and pamper them as much as you can. I regret that now.

Paper or plastic.....

Paper or plastic.....

Well I was wrong about the shower thing. Major time wrong. I honestly cant remember how my mom did it. As many casts and injuries we all had while growing up, she always made sure that we didnt get them went. I even went fishing at the age of six with a full hand cast. I dont ever remember having this problem. I guess it wouldnt have been so bad if it was my hand. I could be able to keep it raised. But with a foot, its more difficult. You have to keep your foot down. I dont think its possible to shower with your foot above your head. Im not about to try it. Any takers? I didnt think so.

So now Im wandering the house looking for something to wrap my foot in. I knew there were at least four or five rolls of waterproof tape in the first aid kit. I checked in there and oops, none. Wonderful. But even if I had the tape, what would I do with it? My trash bags are all the Force Flex kind so Im not sure that would work. My shopping bags have holes in them. That definately wont work. Its now Saturday morning and I have to figure out something quick. I have a class in a few hours. Oh, did I mention that Im the sort that has to shower every day? Well I am and Im now in a panic.

Then it hit me. What about a bread bag? I didnt think a storage bag would work because of the ziplock thingy. But a bread bag might. So I took the last few slices of bread out and put them in the ziplock bag. But I still didnt have the tape. I have a few rubber bands but Im not sure how that would work. I grabbed them and thought, what the hell. Its worth a try. Thats when I noticed the roll of duct tape on the shelf. Hmmm.... Duct tape fixes everything right?

So I go into the bathroom, put the bag over my foot and duct taped the opening around my leg. This shouldnt be all that bad. I mean, when I have to take it off, it would save me on leg waxing time too. Kill two birds with one stone. I think the only fear I have now is to watch my footing in the shower because the bag would make it slippery. This should be interesting, to say the least. And no, Im not video taping it.

I stepped into the shower and I was careful to keep my leg out of the way just in case. I washed my hair and put on the conditioner. I then washed my body. I rinsed my hair and then I turned around to rinse the front of my body and thats when I felt the pop. Oh crap. The tape gave out at the top and I jumped over to the edge of the tub and stuck my foot out so that the water would not get in the bag. I slipped a few times but was able to grab the edge of the shower wall to balance. I shoved the bag off my foot and grabbed a towel.

I now have my foot balanced in the towel on the top of the toilet and trying to rinse the rest of the soap off my body while using a wash cloth. This is just not going to work. It might have worked better if I had the shower head with the hose on it. But that was broke a few days before from Cami grabbing it and breaking the clamp on it. I have no idea what Im going to do now. I cant afford to run out and get a new one. Im sure I could get a cheap one but when it comes to shower heads, I like the ones that have all the massage settings or the water has to have alot of strong pressure. If there isnt alot of pressure, then it takes forever for me to shower in the mornings. I hate that. Screws the whole schedule.

I asked a few people at the class on what to do. I asked a few friends on what to do. LW and I settled on a good way to overcome this. We thought that just washing my hair with my body outside the tub first and then fill the tub and take a bath with my leg hanging over the edge would work. Mind you that I know Im going to have to do this for a couple of months at least. It might also help to shower with a friend. Ha ha ha... How will that help? And what thoughts just went through your minds? But sadly that wont be happening. So get your minds out of the gutter.

Sunday morning rolls around. I figured I would try out the idea from the night before. I got on my hands and knees outside the tup and proceeded to wash my hair that way. There are alot of things wrong with doing it the way I did. First off, make sure to wear a shirt while doing this. There is nothing worse and pressing your bare chest against the cold tub. If you choose not to wear a shirt, at least put a towel down. Second, make sure you have a spare towel handy for when the water goes gushing over your face. This is not something pleasant when you are not expecting it. And last, expect to have your chest and back killing you for the next couple of days. Im not a contortionist. But I needed to be one to do this. My arms just dont bend in that direction to make sure all the soap is out of my hair. I wont even mention anything about all the water that filled up in my ears.

Just as I was about to fill up the tub, I checked the time and I wouldnt have time to take a bath. I had plans for a movie today and it was cutting close. I decided to take my bath after I got home. So I rushed to get ready and go. The movie went pretty well. The walking went pretty well too. The only complaining I did was after the movie. Having a head cold and then with all that water that went into my ears, plugged everything up so that I couldnt hear. The vibrations from the base really did I number on me. About 20 minutes later though, I sneezed, blew my nose and everything was clear again. It was pretty cool for a while though.

But the thought of my morning shower weighed heavily on my mind. How was I going to get through this? I mean I can bathe tonight and just wash my hair tomorrow in the tub. But there is no way I can continue to do this every day. Its too much on my back, chest and ears. There just has to be a better way. So at the pharmacy they have this thing called a Shower Sleeve. Its for casts and stuff. It ties on both ends with elastic straps. Water cant get in. I bought one, took it home and tried it out. Wow!! This worked!

Today is Monday. I used that sleeve this morning and it worked great. Today was a great day up until about 330. Someone in Cami's class broke her glasses. It was deliberate. Im pissed. Im royally pissed. Tomorrow I have to go to Lens Crafters and see about getting a sort of receipt for the cost of them to turn in to the school for payment. They already arranged for a voucher to get her new ones but thats not nearly going to cover the cost of these. She cant have child glasses. They dont fit her. She has to have adult size and have the bows molded to fit. This pair cost me about $170. I cant afford new ones. So someone will be refunding me something. We shall see what happens in the morning when the principal gets ahold of this case. Im not backing down. Im getting sick and tired of the crap.