I need sleep

I havent done a cat blog in a long time.

For starters, I have just one cat. In this house, thats enough. My cat is permanently attached to my ass. I cant go anywhere or do anything without my cat. Its not by choice. The cat just has to be in the bathroom with me. Yeah, nothing like sitting on the toilet with a cat on your lap. So, of course, I refuse her plight of 'you left me', and I tell her that I dont bother her when shes using her litter box. Stay out of mine. Oh, and by the way, the dog is laying on the bathroom floor as well. Im sure they would get really pissed if I did my business where they do theirs. Not like the neighbors would appreciate my nekked butt in the back yard. Im sure I would get arrested for it too. But when she needs to go outside, I have to stand there and freeze to death while she does her pacing back and forth and rolls in the snow before she decides to circle in at least a dozen spots before she squats her rear end and does her thing. Then she has to run around some more and roll in some more snow before she decides when its time to come inside.

Id close the bathroom door but that would mark the end of all human life. I hear the dog whine and a cat paw come under the door and cries that are so pitiful it would break your heart. Come on guys, its not like Im flushing myself down the drain pipes and never will be seen again. Although the thought has crossed my mind a few times.

Yesterday, my cat decided to have an upset tummy. Why this happens, I will never know. If you have a cat, you know very well what a tube is. If you dont know what this is, get a cat, feed it, and sit back and watch the show. They do this sort of heeving motion. Like they are trying to push their ass out their armpits. Do cats have armpits? Anywho, then they make this coughing sound and out pops a tube-like thing. I really dont know what else to call it. But they do it in places that they know will piss you off. Like under my desk when I have bare feet and feel something wet. Or when you get up at 2am and its right where you have to stand to turn on the bathroom light. Not like its totally visable in the kitchen before you open the fridge door. Nope. It has to be in every spot that you cant see it but will sure as hell step in it. Oh look mom, I left you a new toy. The day she does it on my bed will be the last day she eats. Yeah, I know. I cant hurt her because she has some evil monster living in her intestinal chambers. Yes there is more than one in there because this stuff is dry when it comes out. Like shes some sort of chipmunk with pouches in her cheeks. Only these pouches are in her stomach.

So last night, after cleaning up yet another tube, I told her that I wasnt going to give her any more food til the morning. I wasnt about to have another mess between my toes. So what do you think she did to piss me off? She slept on me all night. There is nothing like having a cat sleeping on your chest, staring at you til you wake up. You cannot imagine the weird dreams you have about that. Its creepy as hell. And then she makes a move to lick your nose when you are sound asleep. Its like dreaming of a time bomb when your alarm clock goes off.

So I roll over thinking she is either going to jump off or get squished. Either would have been fine at this point. Nope. She does the log walk. So now Im on my side and shes on my hip. So I roll over some more. Im on my stomach and shes on my ass. Now, mind you, shes ballancing by using her nails. Nothing like waking up at 2am with cat claws stuck in your ass. So I roll over on my back and she does the log walk again. This time though, shes up in my face with that 'have I pissed you off yet' look. Feed me now or its my butt in your face. By the way, she means it. But instead, I just rolled back over on my stomach and went back to sleep. Seems to be her permanent place anyways.

But also you need to look at the wider picture. We are not alone in that bed. We have the ever popular gas wagon on board. Mindy. Never, ever, ever feed Mindy anything that involves gravy before bedtime. Usually she sleeps up on my pillows and licks my face when ever she gets a chance. But good thing that last night she chose to avoid the cat and slept at my feet. And when you least expect it, your foot slides out from the bottom of the blanket and gets nailed by a really cold wet nose. This of course, is followed by something that slobbers the bottom of your foot. You wouldnt believe how fast a foot can jerk back up under the covers, scare the hell out of a cat and get a few claws stuck in your ass.

By now, the sun has come up. The dog is snoring, among other things, and the cat is still on my body somewhere. I have just fallen into a deep sleep when I suddenly feel the whole bed bounce. The TV flashes on and the volumn is on loud. The dog goes nuts and nearly crushes my legs, the cat digs into my body and shreiks and jumps off the bed. The dog follows the cat and chases her into the kitchen and I hear the toaster slam on the floor.

I open my eyes and there is the third animal looking directly into my face asking if Im awake yet. "Mommy, I want my breakfast."