What is that smell?

Friday, September 29, 2006

What is that smell? You have no idea what Im talking about so here it goes. The other day I walked into my living room and was assaulted with the most nastiest smell. I do mean violated in the worse sense. It was horrible. The only thing I could think of was that there was spilled milk in the carpet that spoiled or the cat puked somewhere. I went bonkers taking apart the cushions of the couch. I didnt find vomit but I did make a $1.48. Anywho.... What is that smell? Its driving me crazy. I ran to the kitchen. Not only for a fresh breath of air but some Fabreeze too. I have both. The air sanitizer and the fabric one. If these dont work then I will go into the bathroom and grab the can of Oust. I sprayed the carpet and soaked the furniture with it. It smelled nice for a while but later in the afternoon it was beyond stomach churning. Now it smells like vomit and spring time fresh. I checked behind the curtains. Nothing there but some cat hair where she sits on the window edges. I looked behind the tv and the entertainment center and only found some candy wrappers and a sock. Well the sock didnt smell bad. So what the hell can it be? Now mind you that this is the other day. I still couldnt find it. Yesterday I happened to be in the living room again and folding laundry. Yeah even that April Fresh was doing nothing to cover the oder. Its driving me crazy. Well out of the corner of my eye I happen to spot a plastic cup sitting in one of the rooms of Cami's doll house. Mind you that this is one of those massive realistic doll houses that stands about 4 feet tall and you have to spend 3 months and all your brain cells to put it together. I get a closer look at this cup and I nearly fall backward on the floor. Good thing I had jeans on or I would have had some serious rug burns on my ass. Holy dead cow. It was a half a glass of milk that had been hidden in there for about a month. Wow was that stench raw. I thought my eyes fell out of my face and ran away for good. I grabbed a towel and sprayed it with Fabreeze and held it to my face. I went in for the kill. It took every ouce of strength I had to be able to get that close without this cup reaching out to bite me. It was alive. I grabbed the cup and ran like hell to the kitchen to throw it in the trash. I was praying the entire way that I didnt trip and fall and spill it on me for I would have shriveled up and convulsed on the spot. Into the can and the bag was sealed and tossed out to the outside barrel. Back into the room armed with the Fabreeze again and I soaked everything down. Ahhhhh.... Much much better. Oh dont you worry, she heard it from me when I went to pick her up from school. Now that was on Tuesday. Mind you that its now Thursday and I can still smell that smell. I went in there this morning to sit on the couch to be able to do her hair up before school. Even her stomach was turning. What the hell is going on? Did a squirrel get in and die or something? This wasnt spoiled milk. I dont know what this was. But what ever it was, I hope that it wasnt something that at one time was consumable. Then it hit me. She hid the milk in the doll house. What else could be hidden in there? I never thought to check. Oh gawd, should I dare turn my head and look? Too late. Damnit. I just had to turn my head didnt I. You are not going to believe what I saw. Nope. You wont. Try as you might. This is something that I have never seen before. Inside one of those rooms in the doll house was two more plastic cups. Mind you that these are the clear ones that you see at beer parties. Well these are colored but you can still see through them. What I saw was something so amazing. I shouldnt call it amazing because it was beyond gross. So gross that I think if someone from Fear Factor was here they would vomit for sure and refuse the $50,000 on the spot. I had no idea what was in the cup. I asked my darling and oh so innocent daughter what it was and she said..... Are you ready for this? Orange Juice. Well I'll be damned it sure didnt look like orange juice to me. It was black. I mean the cup is a see through blue but what was inside it was growing a tree. Or so I thought it was a tree. But trees dont move do they? I mean as in they dont walk. This tree did. I was a little freaked out. I told her, in a very stern voice, that she needs to get rid of that because shes the one that put it there. She bravely went over and looked and ran back to me screaming. I mean a blood curdling scream. Now do you honestly think Im going in there to get it? You have to be out of your mind. Well you must be out of your mind because I had no choice but to go in after it. I must save my planet. I must be brave. Yeah right. Believe that one and I will sell you another bridge. Sales are soaring. Anywho, I went back to the kitchen and this time I strapped on the rubber dish gloves and the sweet smelling towel again. I wish that I had a welders hat for this one but no such luck. Back to the living room I went. My kid is hiding in her room but she bravely comes out and follows me to the toxic waste site. I really cant believe she did this. I remember when she did this though. It was a while ago too. Before the milk went in there because this cup was pushed to the far reaches inside a room in that doll house. So I make sure that the path is clear in case I needed to run with it. I got in for a closer look and you have no idea what I saw. You dont even want to know what I saw. I still cant believe what I saw. I saw that it really was alive. I mean it was moving. Damn this is going to cost this child dearly. But I must do this or suffer the consequences later. I reached in and touched the cup. To my horror and Im sure the neighbors can contest to this, a cloud of fruit flies came out and swarmed the territory. Oh My Gawd!!!! I was about to pass out. I turned and started to choke and I didnt realize that my precious chunk of DNA was standing behind me and I bumped into her. She screamed and ran to her room and slammed the door. I ran back into the kitchen and grabbed the trash can and brought it back in with me. I wasnt taking any chances with a mishap with this cup. I put on a pair of sunglasses because thats all I had for eye protection and I went in for the mad dash. I grabbed the cup and tossed it in the can and sealed the bag up tight. I ran like a bat out of hell to the back porch and tossed the bag in the bin out there. Now I have another problem. I need to do something about the loose flies in the house. I grabbed some spray and tried to douse the air with it but you just cant kill these things without something that is industrial strength. Its now 8:30 and I have to get her to school. I left the house and vowed to take care of everything when I got home. I had nothing here to do so though. Well this just about sucks. Tomorrow I will be coming back home after taking her to school and packing up all the food and covering the fish tank. After school I will pick her up and grab the cat and take off for a few hours while there are bug bombs going off in my house. Its a good thing because those bombs will get rid of everything in the walls too. Getting that time of the year when my little peep show friends come to visit. At least there wont be anything that flies or crawls in the house for a while. Well until the next time she decides to hide a Twinky or something.