Misery Loves Chocolate......

Misery Loves Chocolate...

Here we go for Round 2. Today was the day of reason. A day behind lack of sleep. A day that I was dreading. What would happen? How will I face my friends and the kids? How will I possibly be able to walk in there with my head held high and yet crying inside?

All of those questions were answered for me even before I made it into the building. I really wasnt in the mood to go through this. I made it to the school parking lot before I broke down. I myself broke down. Not my car. Believe me, I wouldnt want that to happen. I need my car.

I pulled into the lot and behind me was my daughters teacher. I waited for him to catch up to us and I broke the news to him. He didnt look too happy either. I know they dont want me to leave. In some way that feels good because I know that my friends love me and they will miss me. But at the same time, I love them and will miss them. So the tears started and I tried to fight them back. It didnt work. Im such a goober.

See the thing is, I never cry in public unless it is something that is so devastating and painful. Usually pain itself doesnt make me cry. A broken leg wont make me cry. But a broken heart will. And at that moment, my heart shattered all over the dirt and stones. It wasnt so much as losing my job there. It was more of losing myself there. Also leaving my child behind there was the biggest hurt of all. How will I be able to protect her? What happens when she needs me? Damnit. This sucks.

So I made it inside the building. With the help of Dan of course. I think that if he hadnt come along and kept talking to me, I dont think I would have had the strength to open the door and walk inside. Some people would think that this is petty and to just buck up and face reality. But I just have a hard time doing that. I get emotionally attached. There was a time that I didnt give a rats ass. But now is definately not that time.

I truely care about these people. I care who they are and how much they mean to me. If it wasnt for these people, I wouldnt have much. They have helped me learn and to grow. They have taught me a lot of lifes lessons all in one little chunk at a time. Being in that school has taught me what life is all about. How these children look up to you because most of them really dont have anyone else to look up to.

Im sort of the mom they dont have. Or at least the one they want to have. These are my childs friends. These are the kids and the parents that help her grow as well. I myself look up to these people. They have more experience than I do. Even the ones that dont have taught me well. I will forever be greatful for the guidence that I was allowed to have with them. I cherish their friendship. They are like a big family. When something happens, they all band together and hope for the best for each other. How can I just walk away from this? I cant. And I wont.

I have made the decision that no matter what happens, Cami will remain in that school. Something will work itself out. I believe in Karma. Something has to be right about this whole situation. I look at it as a sort of blessing in disguise. I havent quite figured out what the blessing is yet though. Im sure that will show itself soon enough.

The major issue that I am having a problem with is how to get my kid to school when I have to be in a different school at exactly the same time. I havent quite mastered teletransportation yet. I cant just say 'beam me up Scotty' and actually have it work for me. Ive tried it. Trust me, it doesnt work. But then again, if it did work, I would hope to hell that all my body parts come back together in the right place. I would look funny if they didnt. Thats why I didnt watch The Fly more than once.

So back to the tale at hand. I make it into the building and I went straight to the kitchen to talk to my friends there. I handed them the letter because for some reason, words escaped me. I knew that if I spoke, the tears would come. They read it and the first thing they said was that it was bullshit. Well yeah, we already established that one. So thats when the hugs came. In the mean time I was sort of drawn out to the hall where someone else was talking about it. Wow, news travels fast.

So by the time I made it to the office, I was hugged at least six more times. This is what I meant about how these people have the biggest hearts. They care. And the band is starting to pull together. And the word bullshit was mentioned more than once. Its good to know who is on my side. I would hate to have them for enemies.

So I made it to the office to sign in. It was quiet in there for the most part. I didnt say anything. I wasnt ready to let it all hit the fan just yet. So I signed in and I went to the break room to put my lunch in the fridge. I then went on to my classroom to put my purse away and grab some other things. I talked to my teacher for a few minutes. She already knew about it since she was one of the first people I called. She still wasnt too thrilled. But then again, neither was I.

From there I went back down the hall and prepared to face the day as I normally would. I went into the gym and talked to a few others that are just now finding out. This is where it hit me harder. Watching the kids and wondering how they will react when I tell them the news. I know it wont go well. But also at the same time, Im still wondering what Im going to do with my kid.

Then it seemed that all the lights went on above the heads of every adult in the room. They all told me that I wont have to worry because they will take care of her and if I need to, they will watch over her in the morning if she has to come there earlier. They will watch her for me while Im at work and they will be there for her for when I am able to leave to come pick her up. A couple of them signed her emergency form as contacts and for transportation should the needs arise. These people are truely gifts. A load lifted off my chest for a while. Relief was soon in sight. I love you guys. Thank you so much for this.

But the worse was yet to come. After the assembly, I was called into the office to have a mini meeting with my boss. I knew this was coming and I really didnt want this yet. But it had to be done and I went in there with my head held high. I closed off my breathing as well. I knew that if I didnt, I would break down right then and there. I closed the door and sat in front of her desk and waited for it. It wasnt as bad as I thought it was going to be. She assured me that it wasnt her choice and I already knew this. Stuff like this isnt anyones choice but for the powers that be.

She talked to me about when and where this is happening and how that there may be the chance of coming back once the hiring starts in Sept. I will keep my eyes and ears open for the chance to get this all back. At least she didnt want me to leave. She knew that I was needed there. The kids need me there. With me leaving, this causes a lot of stress on coverage for all the other classrooms. Someone will have to be pulled to cover mine now. Also the lunch and recess areas will be screwed up. This upsets me because I know that these kids cant take change too easily. But then again, neither can I.

Im feeling a little better and I start back to my class. I passed one of my friends and I was told that I will be severely missed. I lost it then. The tears came and there was no stopping them. Once again, my heart went all over the floor. This really does hurt. I cant even explain the type of pain it is. It just hurts. I checked myself up. Took some deep breaths. I then felt that I was able to walk into my classroom and begin the day.

I get down there and the kids arent in there. Oops. I forgot that they have library computer lab on Monday mornings. This gives me a little more time to collect myself. So I preceeded to start my day as I normally would. Once they walked in, I too another deep breath and went about the morning like nothing was wrong. I need coffee really bad.

I had to call my new boss up to find out all the details and set up a meeting with him. Im so nervous about this. I figured I would do it on my break. That came and went. I was too busy with the kids. I want to get as much time in with them as I can now. Im going to miss them the most. So I waited til lunch time. I got into chatting with my friends and didnt do it then.

I got up more courage at about 2pm to get this call out of the way. I finally got through a few minutes later and the secretary said she would get back to me later with a definate time. I recieved an email from her a little while later. They set it up for a time that I couldnt do. We have a field trip in the morning so I called her back to see about a spot for the afternoon. Its set up for tomorrow when I get back from the field trip. Im still shaking over this. Remember that anexiety thing? Its happening again. Once I have this meeting, that will go away.

But then there is the thing about telling the kids. Damnit, this isnt going to go well.