Another year...

Well another year has passed. This is getting a little rough because I hate getting older. I want to be immortal. Not in the sense of never dieing but in the sense that I want to be remembered. I hate being the center of attention and I tend to walk away from situations like that. But somewhere out there is something that is going to make someone think of me. I dont know. Weird fantasy, I guess.

I was thinking back on all the birthdays that I have had. I honestly dont think I really ever had anything really big happen. The earliest one I can remember is my second one. I remembered not wanting the cake. I didnt want one. I didnt eat it. I dont remember why though. I also have pictures of my first birthday where I was playing with the paper cups and wanted nothing to do with the cake.

My third birthday was a cake with Snow White and all the dwarfs on it. They were little plastic toys. Probably with lead paint but who cares. We survived it then and Im still alive now. But I remember wanting those and not the cake. I dont remember much else of any birthdays til my 10th one where my mom got me a Carvel cake with a horse made of all the clear tube icing on it. It was a huge party and all my friends were there. I know my friends came to all my birthdays but why this one stands out, I dont know.

That was the year that one of my friends got seriously hurt playing baseball. And that was the last one I had with them til I was 19. Shortly before my 10th birthday, we had sort of moved out. Just me and my mom. But that year we had the party on the front porch and we had alot of water balloons.

My 13th one was scary. I dont think I will ever forgive my mom for it. She threw me a huge party with all my friends and it was a Smurf theme. I think she was being evil. I must have done something to seriously piss her off. Either that or she liked the Smurfs and was living her life long dream through me. Either way, it was traumatizing. Everything was blue. Including the cake. So all the kiddies went home with blue mouths. I guess it was entertaining. But I hated the Smurfs then. I was more into the video games thing. You know... PacMan and Frogger. Why couldnt I have a PacMan party? Oh yeah, video games ruin your brain. But Smurfs dont? Geez...

The next one I remember is my 16th. This was a really bad year. My mom had planned this huge party for me. She was going to rent a hall and everything. Nothing like having a Sweet 16 party with 100 people huh? But it wasnt to be. The day before the party, my mom had a terrible accident and all plans were canceled. Usually my mom would have toughened it out but this was serious. She had fallen down the stairs and did some major spinal damage. But she still threw me a small party at home with a couple of my closest friends to hang out with.

It was a bbq in the back yard and my friends thought it was cool to decorate my room with posters. That was a cool thing back then because I was a sort of "metal head". So my room was decorated with rock posters and stuff and mom got me a cool bedding set of all leopard prints. My friends threw me a seperate party a couple of weeks later when my mom was feeling a little better. My friends all loved my mom and they understood. Still to this day they call her mom.

The next one was my 18th. I had one with my friends, of course, but mom threw one for me at the camp we had at the time. It was a hell of a bash. Although I wasnt allowed to drink like everyone else. I remember the cake. It was all orange and yellow and had a lion done in frosting on the top. A large lump of frosting. Not just something painted on it. It was pretty cool. My big thing then was lions, tigers and leopards.

So anyways, this cake was the big thing. They all gave me money if I would eat off the head of the lion. I guess I was stupid enough to fall for this but there was a lot of money involved. Well over a grand to be exact. So stupid me, bit the head off. Of course while my head was doing that, they pushed my face into the cake. No one thought about the colored frosting leaving stains. So for about 4 days, I had orange streaks on my face. But that money was worth the fun. And good thing I was staying at the camp for the weekend where everyone knew what happened. Not like if I was at home and everyone would think I screwed up a tube of fake tanning stuff.

Then there was the graduation party soon after. Holy moly was this a party. One I will never forget. I was a little upset that my mom made me wear a dress to my graduation. And it wasnt a dress that I picked out. I think there was only one picture where I was smiling and thats the one I had to smile in. When I received my diploma. That was a Friday night and my party was the next day at the camp.

My mom got me a bottle of cheap wine. Why, I dont know. It was the kind with a basket under it. It was nasty so I mixed it with soda. But she was determined that if I was going to get drunk for my party then it would be with something that would make me never want to drink again. Guess she was wrong, huh?

I was loaded. I was having a great time. Then one of my parents friends decided to take me for a ride in his cart. Yeah, lets take the drunk chick out and see if she pukes. Ha ha ha. In reality, while I was out, the guests all went for a walk to where my present was hidden. We showed up a few minutes later and they all yelled surprise. Never yell surprise to someone that is very drunk. In the woods behind the camp, there was a car hidden under a tarp. Yeah, they bought me a car. It was a red 78 Ford Fairmont.

Now they want me to find the keys. They bought a lion piniata and put the keys inside it. Of course the first place I looked was up its ass. And sure enough, with my moms sense of humor, there they were. She doesnt know me too well, does she?

Now the drunk chick gets to drive the car out of the woods. Hey, there are a lot of trees in here and Im bound to hit one of them. Wouldnt you know it, I didnt hit any. I call that a good score. Shortly after, I passed out and spent the next two days hung over.

My next birthday was my 19th. My parents spent most of their time at the camp and I was left home. I had a full time job and I was pretty much on my own. Hell for the past 3 years it was like that. But my Aunt was downstairs so I really wasnt alone. But we moved downstairs after she passed away. The new neighbors upstairs and the ones next door watched over me and reported to my parents if I did anything wrong. Little did they know that I partied with them. So for my 19th party, we had a hell of a bbq and all the good stuff. I was pretty hung over for that one too.

Then came the big 21. This wasnt what I expected it to be. Since I was about 15, I was a party person and now Im legal. It wasnt as much fun anymore. No more sneaking around. I had moved across the state and was living with some friends. I went out with my sister to my neices dance thing at school and while I was gone, my roomies planned a party. I was really sick and had strep throat. I wasnt in the mood to party. So when I got home, they all yelled surprise and I got a glass of milk and went to bed while they partied all night. I made up for it the following weekend though.

That Sept I moved back home. The next few years were completely scary for me. A few of you know what happened but Im not going into all that now. But my parents decided to throw me a 25th Quarter of a Century party. How nice. See I have thrown parties for them marking specific milestones with jokes. Like when mom turned 55, she got a Life in the Fast Lane party because reached the speed limit. For her 60th I pulled a good one with her being sent to an institution for the insane that I called a nursing home party. It was funny but shes paid me back for all that. My step dads 69th party was hysterical but we wont go into that. So she threw me this party with all my friends and family. It was fun. Everything had to do with getting old. But at 25, I was just getting started.

I havent had a real party since. Well she tried to throw me a big one for my 30th but I told her that I was going out of town. I did. My friends baby shower was that day and I was also very pregnant too and not in the mood to turn 30. It was devastating to me. I dont know why, but it was. I didnt want it. I had lost my job. Well the business was closing soon and that was not a fun thing for me to think about. I had been diagnosed with diabeties while pregnant so I wasnt allowed to even have cake. I just blew off the party thing and waited til my shower later.

Now Im 39. Yes 39. Im hating this. I dread 40. I know my mom will pull something. I still count myself as 29 with 10 years experience. I never want to admit that Im getting older. I dont know what it is. I think its because I really havent been truely happy with my life. I havent really accomplished anything. Not for the sake of trying though. Just not where I want to be, I guess.

So this year slid through quietly. The kids at school knew the day and they all wished me well. My father was busy that day so we went out to dinner on Friday and Sunday we will go shopping for my gift. I spent today with my mom at the camp but the heat was too much so I came home. My friends sent me a lot of wishes and I love you all for that. You guys are the best. I dont know what I would do without you. Especially the phone call I got. Thanks to DB for that. It really cheered me up.

Even though this year I want it, I didnt get any cake.