That Effin Tree....

That Effin Tree....

Thats effin, not elfin... Yeah even I could have read that wrong. But it stands for frellin, friggin, fu... You get the message. I think I have written about this tree before though. Seems to be a topic of mine every Spring and Fall. I hate the damn thing.

Last year, I wrote about my anxiety attacks. Well they werent that at all. They were allergy attacks from the tree. I have tree pollen allergies. Not so uncommon. I think just about everyone has them. If you dont, you are missing out on alot. You could join the ranks of all of us that sneeze and grow green shit out of our eyes and nose from it. You can take up a collection. Ok, so its not all that fun. But Ive had a pretty darn good hand at keeping it to a minimum.

Every Spring, I spend my weekends at camp in the Catskills. I am surrounded by everything that pollenates. Ive been doing pretty good about my allergies to trees. Only once did I make the mistake of taking two of my moms Benedryls. I passed out and didnt wake up til the next day. But I felt pretty darn good. Those things are like party favors. Next time I will only take one. My mom keeps them there because she is allergic to bees. She never used to be though until one fateful day that she had a bee in her pants. We wont go into a full discussion about that but Im sure that where she was stung had nothing to do with allergies. But ever since then, she swells up where she gets a sting. Speak of the devil, shes on the phone. Be right back.

She must have known that I was talking about her. Mothers intuition or something like that. Anywho, Im also allergic to bees but we wont go there either. And I didnt have a bee in my pants to find that out.

So, back to the tree. This is a tree that sits on the edge of my neighbors property. There is a chain link fence that seperates the property from my driveway. My driveway is barely wide enough for a car. I have to park the passenger side right up against the fence so that I may open my driver side door. So you can tell that this tree is close to the house.

The neighbor that used to live downstairs always complained of being sick every Spring. We thought it was allergies to an old furnace filter that was there all Winter. But being that Im not allergic to dust, I never had a problem. So every Spring, we would have the furnace cleaned and a new filter put in. But she was still sick for a couple more weeks.

Ive also never noticed any strange allergies because Im the type that cant stand the heat. I would keep my apartment closed up and the AC running. In fact, I have one running all Winter too. But thats another topic about my neighbors and the thermostat issues. But anywho, I have noticed though that this tree would put off a very strange oder. Its a sickening smell like something died. But I only went out to get to my car and leave. So once again, I never had any problems.

In the Spring, I always keep some allergy medicine handy for when I have to venture out of the city. I normally dont have any problems here. Not even with the trees at the school. Its only when Im in a heavily wooded area that I would need them and its only for a couple of weeks.

Well this tree tends to leave a hell of a mess out there. It grows these green pea-ball looking things and then everything turns a yellowish green. It covers the cars and the driveway. After that happens, the pea things grow a bunch of white flowers in a cone like group. I never thought anything of it. I didnt know what sort of tree it was though. When the flowers bloomed, thats when the smell would hit.

Once that happened, the flowers would die off and then I would have another mess to contend with. Alot of brown stuff all over everything. And this would mix with a new round of the green film on everything. Isnt this such a lovely tree? Once again, I hate it.

Now the place next door had been empty for years. It was in serious neglect and the roof caved in. The city took it and then sold it. The new people gutted it and made it a really nice house. My landlord talked to the new owners and requested that the tree be removed. They put the house up for sale and said that we could talk to the new owners when it was sold. How nice of them.

Soon the house was sold and the new owners did alot of yard makeovers. They removed a fence that opened up to their back yard. They removed an old garage and put up a new shed with a party deck and grill. They added lamps all around and flowers. It really did look nice. You can tell these people have money. The vehicles they have are all high end ones like a BWM and such.

So we brought up the issue of the tree. Of course at this time it was in full bloom and the lady liked it. She thought it was pretty. I also should add that this tree spread seedlings like wildfire. They popped up in the neighbors bushes as well as mine. There were five of them in my back yard that another neighbor promptly had removed when he put up a new fence. I didnt mind and he was willing to pay for it. Plus we got a new fence in the far back.

Also in between my house and the house on the other side of me have all these saplings. We remove them every year. There is only one left behind their shed. Which so happens to be right outside my back door. We are removing that one this year. Everyone in the neighbohood is in agreement about this damn tree. We all hate it. Even Christy (who45) and Lance (LaBomba) came to my house and smelled that tree. They know very well what I am talking about.

So anyways, lets travel back in time to last Spring. The tree is splitting. I think its actually 4 trees in one. The trunks are narrow for these things and this one seems twisted. Also its a huge tree. It stands taller than my house. But the trunk is seperating. We had a hell of a storm one day and some of the branches fell. A few days before that, a couple of the neighbors complained to her about the mess of the tree and she complained right back that she likes the tree because its pretty.

Oh and I should also mention that this is the same woman that bitched of our fence. We were getting it replaced. Its not ours but the landlords fence. He has been back and forth to Iraq so we didnt complain at all to him. He had a job to do. So he finally had someone come and remove the old fence and put up a new one. Well, while the fence was down, we had access to their yard. So the dogs had to be taken out on a leash.

While being outside with the dogs, my downstairs neighbor noticed a family of skunks coming out from under their shed. He mentioned it to her and she said that she had been taking care of the "squirrels". Are you kidding me? We informed her that these were infact, skunks. Im not sure where she came from but it wasnt the US. Thats for sure. So we told her that she would need someone to come and trap them. I think she was miffed that her "squirrels" would have to go. I wanted to ask her what the little grey things up in the trees were but I was afraid to hear what her answer would have been. Maybe Koala Bears.

Well anyways, back to that storm. The wind was whipping and the rain was pouring. Even some hail and lightning. Branches fell and slammed the houses and vehicles in the street. Afterwards, the neighbors were out there bitching and complaining about the damage and she was out there cleaning up her yard. She heard all the yelling and promptly went into her house.

So now the weather is getting nice and the tree starts that green shit. The AC that was once in my front window quit so I put in a double window fan. The one in the dining room and my bedroom work fine. But I noticed a problem. At night, I was having trouble breathing. I would end up pacing and panicing. The more I paniced, the less I could breathe. It was terrible. I went to the doctors but he would check me out as fine. Once I got home, the problem would start again. I would go back and it was the same. So he gave me an inhaler and a new allergy medication. They worked but only for a little while.

It felt as though my lungs were collapsing. I couldnt breathe. It was getting worse and worse. One night, I was in the livingroom with the fans on and watching tv. I couldnt breathe and I was near to going to the ER that it was so bad. Thats when we decided to have someone come and check out that tree. I called the local college and someone came out to see what I was talking about. They thought I was crazy. I decribed the tree and they had no clue.

Well when they came out and saw it, they knew what it was. All the charactoristics were there. The only thing that was confusing was the size. It was definately a white sumac. Can you imagine? A friggin SUMAC!!! And this chick thought it was beautiful.

So now we have some ammo against her. We informed her of this and she is still clueless. She then bitched that she cant afford to cut down the tree and then filed a petition that the tree is on my property. So now my landlord had to have someone come out and survey the lines and sure enough, its HER tree. I should also add that in the Fall, this thing sheds like a willow tree. Its a frigging mess. And it all comes into my yard. I dont have any trees in my yard but I have to clean up everything.

All Winter, I was contemplating "feeding" that tree some battery acid. Waiting for a heavy snow, drilling a hole into the ground to the roots and pouring in a nice drink. My luck is that it would hit the gas line that runs nearby or that when it did die, it would fall on my house or car. But we didnt have the luck of the heavy long lasting snow and I wasnt taking any chances of having my house suddenly 40 feet in the air. Thats a hell of a wake up call that I dont want. And she would bitch about her beautiful tree.

So now I bring you to the present. Ok, so it was like last week. But close enough. I was rudely awakened last weekend by the sound of chainsaws. Then a few thuds that shook the house and more chainsaws. While laying there in bed, yeah Im that lazy, I got to thinking about what the sounds could be. Here in the city, it could be anything. Some things are better left unseen. That way you arent nailed for being a witness. If you dont live in the city, this means that the less you know, the safer you are.

So while laying there, I was thinking the worse. But then it dawned on me. That sounds like a tree. Hmmmmm.... Chainsaws and thudding sounds. The TREE!!! Whooohooo!!!! They finally figured it out!!! I sprang from my bed and ran to the front window like a child looking for Santa. But the tree was still there. Damnit. Oh sure. Spoil my Christmas wishes will ya. But there was about 5 trucks parked out front. Hmmmm..... Im curious now.

So of course, I put on my robe and my slippers. I didnt want to scare anyone while going outside in my jammies. Or lack of. Oh shut up. I do wear something to bed. Ha ha ha .... Yeah it was funny. But anyways, I took the dog outside in the back yard and low and behold what do I see. They are cutting down a tree in the back yard. There are three major trees back there and that yard doesnt get much sunlight. Apparently, its the one blocking the sun to their party deck. Oh Joy.

But if they can afford to take this one down, why didnt they take the front one down? Losers. So being the little witch that I am, I took a shower, got dressed and went out front. I talked to one of the guys that were doing the cutting and asked about the one out front. They dont have it in the contract to have that one removed. Just the one in the back. How frigging stupid is that? But we both noticed that there were other neighbors out watching too. And they came over and asked the same thing.

The lady was watching too. She knew what we were doing. She knew we were pissed. Well its now a week later and the tree in the back is still standing. Its missing all of the major branches except for the very last 10 feet at the top though. There are branches and huge tree limbs and parts of the trunks all over their yard. No one has been back. I dont know why though. Maybe they will finish this weekend.

But I will also inform you that these tree people looked at the tree in the front and noticed the split and I also noticed that he did speak to the lady about it. There is a future lawsuit if that tree falls. I think we will park our cars down the street for a while. Hint hint. If it hits the house, it takes out the front porch and part of my living room. The landlord has been wanting to replace the porch anyways. And he wants to put new (much needed) siding up. I think this will help in that fact. And at the cost of the neighbor. Isnt that a joy. Actually it is because I want to see this happen. Im waiting for it.

Then I can sit on my new porch and watch her sweat while feeding her "squirrels" and "koalas".