What Happens Next?
Monday, April 17, 2006
What Happens Next?
Current mood: Devastated
Well today was a very crappy day. I dont mean for it to be a downer but to me it wasnt all that great.
Friday was very scary for me. I couldnt sleep because I knew what Saturday would bring. I spent the entire day cuddling my dog and just crying.
Saturday comes and my life just drains out of me. I dont know what to do or where to go. I wished that there was a way to stop it but I knew that would not have been the right thing to do. At 345 she got in the truck and they left. I completely lost it. I wanted to run after them and stop it but I couldnt.
At 515 the end happened. My life drained. I know it all sounds very dramatic but to me this was my soul. My sanity. My best friend. My heart. My pillow at night. The one that came to me when I cried and licked my tears away. The one that kissed me when I sneezed. The one that told me every day that she loved me. 11 years.
Last night I wandered around in a daze. I tried to sleep but that wasnt going to happen. I felt alone and the house was too quiet. No clicking of the nails on the floor. No thump on the stairs asking to be carried up. No twitch of a paw on the carpet when she was dreaming. No lapping of water from the dish outside my room. Nothing. Complete silence.
I got up about 330am and headed to the bathroom. She was dark colored so on the dark carpet, all you could see was her white paws. As many times as I have stumbled on her or felt with my foot, I always knew she would be laying right there in the middle of the floor. This time when I went in, I stepped over and stumbled anyways. Only thing though, she wasnt there. I ended up sitting there crying.
In the kitchen we put down carpet runners because the floor was too smooth for her to walk on and she slipped alot. Those are now gone. Most of the time I eat my dinner at my desk and she sits next to me and we share what ever I have. I keep looking and there isnt anyone there now. No one to share with.
This morning I removed her dishes from the kitchen and replaced them with the ones that my cat uses. Im in the habit of going there to fill them up and if there is nothing to fill then I cry. This way there is now something there. My cat is confused though.
Dinner today was very hard on me. I always sit at one end of the table because thats where she lays at dinner time. There was no nudge at my arm and I had no idea what to do with the scraps from my plate.
Im sitting here typing this out at almost 1am and Im scared to fall asleep. There is no one sleeping in my doorway or on my feet.
Im going to the camp tomorrow to see my mom and just to get out of the house. My daughter is having a hard time with this as well. I got a couple of fake mink pillows in black and I put a little of Holly's hair inside them. She is sleeping in her bed right now cuddling her pillow. I have mine on my bed waiting for me. Im hoping this will help me sleep. I doubt it though. Im used to hearing the breathing and feeling all the soft fur around me.
In a few days I will get a call to come pick up her ashes. Its a small comfort to me to somewhat have her back with me but its still not enough. This hurts beyond all reason. I know it will take some time but Im not sure Im ready to let go.
What happens tomorrow?
What Happens Next?
Current mood: Devastated
Well today was a very crappy day. I dont mean for it to be a downer but to me it wasnt all that great.
Friday was very scary for me. I couldnt sleep because I knew what Saturday would bring. I spent the entire day cuddling my dog and just crying.
Saturday comes and my life just drains out of me. I dont know what to do or where to go. I wished that there was a way to stop it but I knew that would not have been the right thing to do. At 345 she got in the truck and they left. I completely lost it. I wanted to run after them and stop it but I couldnt.
At 515 the end happened. My life drained. I know it all sounds very dramatic but to me this was my soul. My sanity. My best friend. My heart. My pillow at night. The one that came to me when I cried and licked my tears away. The one that kissed me when I sneezed. The one that told me every day that she loved me. 11 years.
Last night I wandered around in a daze. I tried to sleep but that wasnt going to happen. I felt alone and the house was too quiet. No clicking of the nails on the floor. No thump on the stairs asking to be carried up. No twitch of a paw on the carpet when she was dreaming. No lapping of water from the dish outside my room. Nothing. Complete silence.
I got up about 330am and headed to the bathroom. She was dark colored so on the dark carpet, all you could see was her white paws. As many times as I have stumbled on her or felt with my foot, I always knew she would be laying right there in the middle of the floor. This time when I went in, I stepped over and stumbled anyways. Only thing though, she wasnt there. I ended up sitting there crying.
In the kitchen we put down carpet runners because the floor was too smooth for her to walk on and she slipped alot. Those are now gone. Most of the time I eat my dinner at my desk and she sits next to me and we share what ever I have. I keep looking and there isnt anyone there now. No one to share with.
This morning I removed her dishes from the kitchen and replaced them with the ones that my cat uses. Im in the habit of going there to fill them up and if there is nothing to fill then I cry. This way there is now something there. My cat is confused though.
Dinner today was very hard on me. I always sit at one end of the table because thats where she lays at dinner time. There was no nudge at my arm and I had no idea what to do with the scraps from my plate.
Im sitting here typing this out at almost 1am and Im scared to fall asleep. There is no one sleeping in my doorway or on my feet.
Im going to the camp tomorrow to see my mom and just to get out of the house. My daughter is having a hard time with this as well. I got a couple of fake mink pillows in black and I put a little of Holly's hair inside them. She is sleeping in her bed right now cuddling her pillow. I have mine on my bed waiting for me. Im hoping this will help me sleep. I doubt it though. Im used to hearing the breathing and feeling all the soft fur around me.
In a few days I will get a call to come pick up her ashes. Its a small comfort to me to somewhat have her back with me but its still not enough. This hurts beyond all reason. I know it will take some time but Im not sure Im ready to let go.
What happens tomorrow?
posted by BC at
6:16 PM
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