Completely Lost

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Completely lost

Current mood: Devastated

It all started on a cold night in late December 1984 in a trailer on Route 50 in Burnt Hills, NY. Jewels, a German Shepherd and Golden Retriever mix was in heat. Her companion, a black German Shepherd named Whiskey sensed this and before long, found himself locked behind a bedroom door until Jewels could be removed from the trailer. Poor Whiskey, this was torture to him. The two dogs have had two litters of pups before but their owner just could not bear to have more dogs running around in that small living space.

She also had a female dog from a previous litter of theirs and also a Doberman that she rescued. But that wasnt stopping Whiskey. At 98 lbs, he went through that luaan paneled door and hit the target when she wasnt home.

On Febuary 28, 1985, I received a call to come to her home. Jewels was in labor. I arrived after two puppies were already brought forth into this world and awaiting for more to show up. A few hours later, eleven puppies total made their way to nurse at their mother. Oh so cute.

Jewels was all tan with a white belly and paws. Whiskey was all black with some tan and sable markings of a German Shepherd. The puppies were either tan or black with a mix of the white in all of them. There was one all black female though.

They were so adorable and I was very glad to have been a part of their birth. I loved them all. Two of which were born with white tips on their tails. One a tan male and the other a black female with tan and sable markings. Both had all white bellies.

A week later, I returned to see the bouncing balls of fur and was able to cuddle with them. Another week later, they were whining and playful. I had them all with me and I was loving every one of them. But one wiggled out from the rest and sat by herself and barked at me. She was the black one with the white tip on her tail. Instantly, I fell in love with her and I gave her a name. I claimed her as my own and in a few weeks, she would come home with me.

But that was not to be the case. Jewels escaped her yard and was hit by a car and didnt make it. So the puppies were all weaned very quickly. The next day, a friend of mine went to go pick up my sweet little puppy for me, but he came home with two of them. He also brought home the tan male with the white tip on his tail. So at just over three weeks old, I became their new mom.

For the next 3 months, I slept on the kitchen floor along side my new babies because I couldnt bear to listen to them cry at night. At eight weeks of age they were both completely house broken though. After the three months, however, they both slept with me in my bed.
Their size increased over the next six months. The male was nearly twice the size of the female. Ceasar became a big dog. And I do mean big. He couldnt sleep in the chair anymore. He couldnt even fit his ass in it now. Holly always slept on the couch. These were my babies and I took them where ever I went. Besides work. Kris took them with him to where he worked though. These dogs were never left alone.

Age 2 and Kris and I were no longer with each other. Ceasar went to live with him and Holly stayed with me.

She has been my soul mate and my true sanity for the past eleven years. She has been my pillow at night. Now she cant make it up on the bed. Its so hard for her to climb the stairs and for the past few days, shes been having accidents in the house. She cries about this and she thinks she did something wrong. I assured her that she didnt. I have done nothing but hug her and cuddle her on the floor. I have helped her up the stairs and down. I have held her while she cried because it was hard for her to stand up sometimes. At 130lbs, this was no easy task for her nor I.

She is my other half. She is my baby. Im going to be lost without her. You have no idea how much pain this is causing me. I have sat down with my daughter and we talked about this. She too is in total devastation but she understands what is about to happen. We have decided that since we have the week off from school, we will make a scrapbook of Holly.

I am an emotional trainwreck but I have to keep my wits about me. Holly is laying on my feet right now and that is something that Im going to be totally lost without.

Saturday morning is her appointment. I will not be going to this appointment as it will completely crush me. But I have all my wishes and arrangements made.

This weekend and for the most part, the rest of my life, a part of me will be lost. But I have alot of very fond and happy memories of my one true heart.

Where once she was a little bouncy ball of fur, now she can barely walk... She will once again be able to run and play like she used to.

She will take my heart with her.

I love you Holly. You have given me so much. You will always be a part of me. You are my heart forever.