It's a bird...It's a plane...It's a...Damn, it's just a plane...
It's a bird...It's a plane...It's a.... Damn, its just a plane....
I had some thoughts about flying tonight. Talking to Whosie and Jose about it earlier reminded me of my first real big airplane flight. No I wasnt thinking about a man in a leotard.
It was in November 1997 and I was taking a trip to Florida with my father, my oldest sister and my neice. Every other time I went to Florida, I have always gone by car. Yeah, nothing like riding 1250 miles in the back seat of a Caddy with a cooler between your legs.
As a kid, I have flown in the small single engine 4 seaters alot but this was something completely different. I really dont mind heights too much. Just the one thing that keeps going through my mind is, that thing weighs in at over 20 tons, how the hell does it stay up in the air?
First I will tell you that when I was 10, I lived in a house right along side the Eastern runway of Albany Airport. I lived in an upstairs apartment and I wondered why there were nails standing up in the cupboards and a bar on the wall next to the toilet and in the shower. Well I found out about 10 minutes later when I had to go to the bathroom and an airplane decided to make an appearance and land. Holy Shitmypants Batman!!! I will never forget that one. If I had not grabbed that bar, I would have slid off the seat onto the floor. After a week or so you go used to it. Thankfully we didnt live there but for only a few months.
So this brings me back to the story I started. We had this little week long trip planned ahead of time and Im actually very nervous about flying in one of those huge planes. Plus they dont fly closer to the ground like the small planes do. I definately dont want a window seat.
Time goes on and about a week before the flight, I was watching tv and what do you think was on? Flight 800. Dumbass me actually sat and watched it. All the crazy things going through my head. You know that little black box that records all the information? Ya know, the one that is indestructable? Why cant they make the whole plane out of that? And here my sorry butt will be on one thinking just that.
Now mind you its November. Not exactly tourist season so this should be a great vacation. As we get closer to the airport, Im squirming and nervous as hell. Its cold outside and I dont have a coat. Kinda stupid to bring one to Florida now aint it? So Im in the airport and we are getting the bags checked in. My father hands me my ticket and its a middle seat. I was hoping for an aisle but no such luck. My father has the window, I have the middle and I-dont-know yet has the aisle. My sister and neice are in two of the seats behind us. Not a bad thing.
I make sure that before I get on this plane, Im going to go to the bathroom to pee, puke, what-ever. Nope, no such luck. They called the flight and off we head to the place where time and my stomach stand still. I checked in my suitcase, but with me I have my carry on, my father's carry on and a small case that has all his medications in it. Im hoping he has some tranquilizers too but I doubt it. Im sure hes going to enjoy this entertainment of me freaking out on the plane. Why spoil the fun if Im sedated.
Now Im wondering about seating. Is it better in front of the wings, behind the wings or on the wings? Im thinking on the wings because then I wouldnt be able to see anything. Personally, I really dont remember where we sat because I wouldnt look out the window at the time. So I put the two carry ons in the over head compartment and we take our seats. Some dude in a suit sits in the aisle seat. Well at least if something happens I will be smooshed between two people. Better chance of keeping my self in one piece.
So we take off and I nearly crap my pants. My ears pop and the plane is rumbling. This is not what I planned. My sister, neice and father are all fine with this and Im secretly in tears. I decided to take out the SkyMall magazine to read. Something to take my mind off this flight. Mind you that we are changing flights in Atlanta soon.
About an hour into the flight, the guy in the aisle seat starts to snore. Well thats a good plan. Should have thought about that before. But Im too nervous to sleep. I do remember my father pointing out things to look at out the window. I know hes enjoying this because hes laughing too. I did chance a glance out and saw the ground waaay down and nearly passed out. But thats when I noticed that the guy next to me was snoring and scratching his crotch. Im not sure what amused me more. The fact that he didnt realize that he was doing it or the stares and giggles from those around watching him do it too. He even had his shoes off. Please dont ask me why I would notice that sort of thing. Just know that it was amusing and I wasnt looking out the window. Btw, I dont like peanuts.
So now we land in Atlanta. We get off the plane at one end and the tickets say that its a 45 minute layover. So that means we have 45 minutes to get to the other end of the airport to the next flight. No problem. Well me and my sister are smokers. As we are walking , she notices a smoking room. Well to me it was a glass room but all you could see was a huge cloud. Perfect for my sanity as we open the door and inhale. A quick smoke and off we go running to catch up to my father.
This airport is frelling huge. Im running with three bags to make this flight on time. I couldnt believe how big this place was. I was wondering about the subway trains in there. Stupid me should have taken one. My lungs are still back up in that smoking room.
We get on this flight and this plane is a little smaller. Only two seats on one side and three on the other. I get an aisle seat. Yay me!! Oh wait... Nope, we get the side that has three. But no one was taking the aisle seat so after we took off, I moved to that one. Oh, I forgot to mention that I really dont like peanuts. And I still have to pee.
We land in Daytona Beach Airport that afternoon about 1:30ish. It was so good to actually touch the ground. And a palm tree. It was a potted palm but you get the drift.
Out to the rental car and away we go to the hotel. It was a pretty good vacation and we had alot of fun. Mind you that the flight to Florida was an early morning flight. The one home was a late afternoon flight.
On the way home, the first flight into Atlanta wasnt so bad. Once again I got the empty seat. For the life of me though, I cant remember where on the plane I sat. But I do remember that I had an extra bag with me that contained a wolf statue that I purchased that wouldnt fit in the suitcase. I should have shipped it via UPS before we left but didnt think of that then. It was heavy and I had to carry it in a canvas bag for the entire flight. Now that makes it four bags to carry through the airport. Once again back to that smoking room for a head rush before the next flight.
Why the hell cant they keep the terminals closer together? Why did they make me have to run for 45 minutes straight. I dont remember signing up for a marathon. I do remember signing a form for flight insurance. Yeah probably in case you have a heart attack while running to your next flight so you dont miss it.
On the end flight home I got the middle seat again on the left side of the plane. I remember this because it was getting dark out and I couldnt really see anything. We are also near the back behind the wing. Well some chick sits in the aisle seat and she just about damn near killed me with perfume. Note that perfume has the word fume in it for a reason. That could be taken two ways. Her fumes were making me fume. No I didnt have to get out the dickshunairee for that one.
Well her husband was a few rows up on the other side and I guess the poor girl he was sitting next to was having convulsions because of his fumes too. The flight attendant decided that hubby and wife should sit together. What a smart thing to think of. How considerate. So the girl comes back and sits next to me and we enjoyed a nice chit chat about the happy couple while tears poured from our eyes and our sinuses were near to exploding.
That flight wasnt too bad and in all truth, I enjoyed looking out the window at the lights from the cities below. It was really cool. Especially when the captain called out that we were flying over Pittsburgh and then Buffalo. Wait..... Pittsburgh and Buffalo? Ummmm.... Where the hell are we going? Thats clear across the state from Albany. My father laughed about that little panic attack and said that was the directon we would be landing in from. Well thats a relief. Not.
But we are closer to the gound now. The reason I knew this was because I could see snow. Wait... Snow??? We are going to land in snow??? Are you kidding me? Nope. Sure enough the captain comes on and tells us that its snowing pretty hard in Albany. Great. Just frelling great. All I can think of is that we are going to attempt a landing and run over Frosty the Snowman and slide off the runway. Right into the old house that I used to live in. Well that house isnt there anymore. There is a Pepsi plant there now. Well that makes it a little better. I can crash land into my favorite drink and be happy and burp my way to Heaven. And yes, I will go to Heaven because... I can... Im cute and Im innocent, damnit.
Anywho, we did land safely and without much of a problem. Frosty was able to roll out of the way just in the nick of time. Whew. Now mind you that Albany airport didnt have those tunnel things to enter and exit the planes with and stupid me is wearing shorts. I completely forgot to change on the plane. Not like I would have gotten out of my seat anyway. But here I am getting off the plane and having to make a fast dash to the door while the wind was blowing and it sure as hell was snowing.
Yeah I was happy to be safe on the ground and now inside a warm building but the first place I went to wasnt the car. I grabbed my luggage and headed straight to the bathroom before I peed my pants.
Note: Just think Whoise, you are landing in June so there wont be any worries. I promise. The flying really isnt all that bad. You just know that I have an interesting imagination.
I had some thoughts about flying tonight. Talking to Whosie and Jose about it earlier reminded me of my first real big airplane flight. No I wasnt thinking about a man in a leotard.
It was in November 1997 and I was taking a trip to Florida with my father, my oldest sister and my neice. Every other time I went to Florida, I have always gone by car. Yeah, nothing like riding 1250 miles in the back seat of a Caddy with a cooler between your legs.
As a kid, I have flown in the small single engine 4 seaters alot but this was something completely different. I really dont mind heights too much. Just the one thing that keeps going through my mind is, that thing weighs in at over 20 tons, how the hell does it stay up in the air?
First I will tell you that when I was 10, I lived in a house right along side the Eastern runway of Albany Airport. I lived in an upstairs apartment and I wondered why there were nails standing up in the cupboards and a bar on the wall next to the toilet and in the shower. Well I found out about 10 minutes later when I had to go to the bathroom and an airplane decided to make an appearance and land. Holy Shitmypants Batman!!! I will never forget that one. If I had not grabbed that bar, I would have slid off the seat onto the floor. After a week or so you go used to it. Thankfully we didnt live there but for only a few months.
So this brings me back to the story I started. We had this little week long trip planned ahead of time and Im actually very nervous about flying in one of those huge planes. Plus they dont fly closer to the ground like the small planes do. I definately dont want a window seat.
Time goes on and about a week before the flight, I was watching tv and what do you think was on? Flight 800. Dumbass me actually sat and watched it. All the crazy things going through my head. You know that little black box that records all the information? Ya know, the one that is indestructable? Why cant they make the whole plane out of that? And here my sorry butt will be on one thinking just that.
Now mind you its November. Not exactly tourist season so this should be a great vacation. As we get closer to the airport, Im squirming and nervous as hell. Its cold outside and I dont have a coat. Kinda stupid to bring one to Florida now aint it? So Im in the airport and we are getting the bags checked in. My father hands me my ticket and its a middle seat. I was hoping for an aisle but no such luck. My father has the window, I have the middle and I-dont-know yet has the aisle. My sister and neice are in two of the seats behind us. Not a bad thing.
I make sure that before I get on this plane, Im going to go to the bathroom to pee, puke, what-ever. Nope, no such luck. They called the flight and off we head to the place where time and my stomach stand still. I checked in my suitcase, but with me I have my carry on, my father's carry on and a small case that has all his medications in it. Im hoping he has some tranquilizers too but I doubt it. Im sure hes going to enjoy this entertainment of me freaking out on the plane. Why spoil the fun if Im sedated.
Now Im wondering about seating. Is it better in front of the wings, behind the wings or on the wings? Im thinking on the wings because then I wouldnt be able to see anything. Personally, I really dont remember where we sat because I wouldnt look out the window at the time. So I put the two carry ons in the over head compartment and we take our seats. Some dude in a suit sits in the aisle seat. Well at least if something happens I will be smooshed between two people. Better chance of keeping my self in one piece.
So we take off and I nearly crap my pants. My ears pop and the plane is rumbling. This is not what I planned. My sister, neice and father are all fine with this and Im secretly in tears. I decided to take out the SkyMall magazine to read. Something to take my mind off this flight. Mind you that we are changing flights in Atlanta soon.
About an hour into the flight, the guy in the aisle seat starts to snore. Well thats a good plan. Should have thought about that before. But Im too nervous to sleep. I do remember my father pointing out things to look at out the window. I know hes enjoying this because hes laughing too. I did chance a glance out and saw the ground waaay down and nearly passed out. But thats when I noticed that the guy next to me was snoring and scratching his crotch. Im not sure what amused me more. The fact that he didnt realize that he was doing it or the stares and giggles from those around watching him do it too. He even had his shoes off. Please dont ask me why I would notice that sort of thing. Just know that it was amusing and I wasnt looking out the window. Btw, I dont like peanuts.
So now we land in Atlanta. We get off the plane at one end and the tickets say that its a 45 minute layover. So that means we have 45 minutes to get to the other end of the airport to the next flight. No problem. Well me and my sister are smokers. As we are walking , she notices a smoking room. Well to me it was a glass room but all you could see was a huge cloud. Perfect for my sanity as we open the door and inhale. A quick smoke and off we go running to catch up to my father.
This airport is frelling huge. Im running with three bags to make this flight on time. I couldnt believe how big this place was. I was wondering about the subway trains in there. Stupid me should have taken one. My lungs are still back up in that smoking room.
We get on this flight and this plane is a little smaller. Only two seats on one side and three on the other. I get an aisle seat. Yay me!! Oh wait... Nope, we get the side that has three. But no one was taking the aisle seat so after we took off, I moved to that one. Oh, I forgot to mention that I really dont like peanuts. And I still have to pee.
We land in Daytona Beach Airport that afternoon about 1:30ish. It was so good to actually touch the ground. And a palm tree. It was a potted palm but you get the drift.
Out to the rental car and away we go to the hotel. It was a pretty good vacation and we had alot of fun. Mind you that the flight to Florida was an early morning flight. The one home was a late afternoon flight.
On the way home, the first flight into Atlanta wasnt so bad. Once again I got the empty seat. For the life of me though, I cant remember where on the plane I sat. But I do remember that I had an extra bag with me that contained a wolf statue that I purchased that wouldnt fit in the suitcase. I should have shipped it via UPS before we left but didnt think of that then. It was heavy and I had to carry it in a canvas bag for the entire flight. Now that makes it four bags to carry through the airport. Once again back to that smoking room for a head rush before the next flight.
Why the hell cant they keep the terminals closer together? Why did they make me have to run for 45 minutes straight. I dont remember signing up for a marathon. I do remember signing a form for flight insurance. Yeah probably in case you have a heart attack while running to your next flight so you dont miss it.
On the end flight home I got the middle seat again on the left side of the plane. I remember this because it was getting dark out and I couldnt really see anything. We are also near the back behind the wing. Well some chick sits in the aisle seat and she just about damn near killed me with perfume. Note that perfume has the word fume in it for a reason. That could be taken two ways. Her fumes were making me fume. No I didnt have to get out the dickshunairee for that one.
Well her husband was a few rows up on the other side and I guess the poor girl he was sitting next to was having convulsions because of his fumes too. The flight attendant decided that hubby and wife should sit together. What a smart thing to think of. How considerate. So the girl comes back and sits next to me and we enjoyed a nice chit chat about the happy couple while tears poured from our eyes and our sinuses were near to exploding.
That flight wasnt too bad and in all truth, I enjoyed looking out the window at the lights from the cities below. It was really cool. Especially when the captain called out that we were flying over Pittsburgh and then Buffalo. Wait..... Pittsburgh and Buffalo? Ummmm.... Where the hell are we going? Thats clear across the state from Albany. My father laughed about that little panic attack and said that was the directon we would be landing in from. Well thats a relief. Not.
But we are closer to the gound now. The reason I knew this was because I could see snow. Wait... Snow??? We are going to land in snow??? Are you kidding me? Nope. Sure enough the captain comes on and tells us that its snowing pretty hard in Albany. Great. Just frelling great. All I can think of is that we are going to attempt a landing and run over Frosty the Snowman and slide off the runway. Right into the old house that I used to live in. Well that house isnt there anymore. There is a Pepsi plant there now. Well that makes it a little better. I can crash land into my favorite drink and be happy and burp my way to Heaven. And yes, I will go to Heaven because... I can... Im cute and Im innocent, damnit.
Anywho, we did land safely and without much of a problem. Frosty was able to roll out of the way just in the nick of time. Whew. Now mind you that Albany airport didnt have those tunnel things to enter and exit the planes with and stupid me is wearing shorts. I completely forgot to change on the plane. Not like I would have gotten out of my seat anyway. But here I am getting off the plane and having to make a fast dash to the door while the wind was blowing and it sure as hell was snowing.
Yeah I was happy to be safe on the ground and now inside a warm building but the first place I went to wasnt the car. I grabbed my luggage and headed straight to the bathroom before I peed my pants.
Note: Just think Whoise, you are landing in June so there wont be any worries. I promise. The flying really isnt all that bad. You just know that I have an interesting imagination.
posted by BC at
8:26 PM
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